The Masks I Wear... written 3 years ago and saved as a draft, still relevant today.

I began this blog in an attempt to take off my masks and encourage others to do the same. I believe I have failed. I couldn't even keep mine off, so what kind of encourager am I?

Well, I guess that I am a great encourager to others. Man, I can cheer you on all day long. But when it comes to myself- I let me down without a wink and a smile. I find that even on my worst days, I tend to keep my commitments to others- taking, doing, going, etcetera. But if I've made a commitment to me- well, everything else comes first and I give in to pain, fatigue, emotions and just dang near anything.

See, this is why I wear the masks. This is ugly stuff. I show my best self when I'm around others and I'm telling off on myself here. It's not like I lie to everyone, I just hide i guess. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being rejected, of being mean, of showing too much and looking stupid. And sometimes, it is just easier to put the masks back on so I can hide for a while. It is easier- but is it best? I don't think so.

What I want, even now in this funk that I've found myself in- is to be an authentic, spirit filled, God honoring Christian and powerful woman who makes good decisions, good plans, and follows through on them.

But all the while, I hear the whisper in my head saying, screaming, IS that even possible? That is who I want to be, but frankly, I don't think I've ever seen a person in this life who is able to be that person 24/7/365. Is it just too hard? Am i fooling myself in trying? I want to "get back on that horse and try again" but frankly, I'm wearing out. I feel like such a failure because i can't seem to make a change and keep at it.

So what is the answer? IS there an answer to this dilemma? Is this singular to me? God I wish I knew and had the courage, the wisdom, and the stamina to make the changes I need to make to be the woman I want to be.

I guess until I figure it all out I will have to keep the masks handy and pray that it doesn't crack from over use.

peace-

Reality? TV

Really? This is what we have come to? Some of the current programming on television has become, well, trash. I was all for reality television in the beginning. It was interesting to see the dynamics of a group of people who didn't know one another stuck in a house for a summer. I couldn't believe some of the antics, but people are different so I just chalked it up to poor decision making and moved on. Most of the people seemed genuinely engaging and I enjoyed watching how they interacted. Big Brother, the first show of this genre, (that I am aware of anyway) opened a whole can of worms though didn't it?

Now we have people ready to do all sorts of craziness for their 15 minutes of fame. I don't understand it. I worry for the young people who are now spending their time swearing and drinking and "hooking up", on camera no less. I wonder if they realize that one day they will be older, have responsibilities, and want to forget some of these crazy things they have done. Only, unlike those of us who are older than cell phones with cameras, they won't be able to because all of their poor choices will have been documented.

And are any of the programs even real "reality"? I mean, do wives in Orange County or New Jersey really behave that way? Do young women really join "bad girls clubs"? For years women's libbers have been screaming about Playboy and Penthouse and other such magazines defiling and degrading women. Is this any less degrading? I think not. Most of these shows have some female element behaving badly and calling it good programming. That, in my own humble opinion, degrades us far more than nude photos. Not that I'm a fan of those either. How can society as a whole have a genuine respect for American women when these are the images of them that are available?

I guess where there is demand, there will be supply. Could it really be as simple as that? And could we ever go back? Now that this particular cat is out of the proverbial bag, can we ever get it back in? Will we, as a society ever come back to morals and family strength and hopeful programming? Gosh I hope so.

Procrastination, thou art a foul fellow!

Okay, so I have done every little thing I can possibly do to procrastinate…. now I have to get to work.

The thing is I love writing, so why do I put it off so diligently? I enjoy the process of putting my thoughts into words, on paper. I enjoy sharing the things I write with others, at least most of the time. So why do I put writing off till my head is about to explode and my soul aches to let go? I wish I knew. Maybe, just maybe I would stop doing it.

Of course, my desk, which is loaded with post-its, filing that needs put away, and various other clutter calls me a liar on that point. Maybe, just maybe I’m a procrastinator of many things and not just writing. But I understand why the desk is messy- I get into a project, work on it, take notes, then get called away to help with a homeschool project or issue and work on that for a while but just before I’m finished I have to help with a 4H thing, or some other thing and before you know it, my desk is a roadmap of works in progress and only I know the destinations. My husband absolutely hates coming in my office. It is very small to begin with and the clutter is just suffocating to him. And to me. And to my creativity!

So, here is the question I find myself faced with at this particular moment…

Do I stop writing to clean my office/desk, or do I keep at the writing till I’m either finished for the day or called away by a child in need of tutelage? Hmmmm, I think I may have just identified one of my problems.

See, this is why I love writing. Discovery is in the process. I love writing, I love the process, and I love the discovery.

I think I will keep writing today, and give myself a break. The mess will be there when I’m finished, history proves that.

Happy writing and peace to you all-

TheWritingMommy