Monday, June 23, 2008
So much...
There is so much to do! Lesson plans to make, experiments to plan, stories to write and edit and re-write, and so much more. What a time for my body to begin to hate me again. For the past few days the pain has grown increasingly worse and the fatigue along with it. There is no comfortable position to be in; lying down hurts my head and back, and walking is darn near impossible sometimes as the pain in my feet and hips shoot through me like drano through the house pipes. But, i know it won't last. it never lasts longer than a few months, and this doesn't seem like a three month flare- maybe a couple of weeks at most this time. And, while the medicine doesn't make the pain go completely away, it does decrease the severity. Also, since the pain keeps me up into the wee morning hours, perhaps i can actually get some writing done. There is always a blessing.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
A Matter of Life and Death
My sister called this morning with news and a prayer request; her next "maybe" child was born Saturday evening three months premature. My sister is foster mom, soon to be adoptive mom, to this baby's two older siblings. She had supported the birthmom as much as possible, emotionally and spiritually since she first met her when she received the four year old girl, and continued to love and care for her when she received the newborn boy over a year ago. She cautioned young mom when she was told of this last pregnancy,to please take care of her baby and her body, but alas, this young mother again took drugs during her pregnancy and now, this newest baby girl is fighting for her life at less than 2 pounds.
On the night she was born, miraculously alive given the circumstances, another family in another place was losing their dad. Another sister called to ask for prayer about a friend of hers. They had taken an impromptu trip to The Brazos River and were swimming when the nine year old son began to be pulled under the water. His friend jumped in to help him and soon went down as well. The father jumped in also and saved the boys but was swept away. They found his body many hours later.
Life and death, one coming into this world against all odds given the circumstances, and another leaving though he was a fine man, husband and father.
I just don't have words sometimes to make sense of it all- and that i guess is where faith enters the equation. While i don't understand, while i don't "get it", i know God does.
When my mom died after a year of battling cancer, and a year of constant prayer by me, my sisiters and my church family, i didn't get it. I comforted myself that she was healed in heaven, but i wanted her healed here! The lady with cancer at church that we prayerd for was healed; why her and not my mom? I just didn't get it and i still don't.
When my brother died at 25 years old, i didn't get it. When my nephews were murdered at 3 and 5 years old, i didn't get it. But i also don't get it when good things happen. I don't deserve any of the blessings bestowed on me and my family. None of us really do. When my husband survived a 14 hour surgery for a brain AVM located smack in the middle of his brain, without any paralysis or other neurological issues, i was thankful, grateful, but i didn't get it. They had prepared us for the worst- and we got the best. When i not only conceived, but carried my son full term and birthed a healthy and beautiful boy after i was told because of the scarring from years of childhood sexual abuse that i would never be able to conceive nor carry a child, i didn't get it. But you can understand that while i didn't get it i was on my knees thanking God above. Because while i don't get it, i know, with all of my knowing that HE has a plan.
He alone is the Author and Finisher of our faith. He knows our end from the beginning and He has a plan for our lives. At times like these, and those i mentioned above, it is hard to wrap your mind around "the plan"; that is when faith has to come in. Without faith, the sadness would be unbearable and without faith, there would be no hope.
Still,I know some people who have no faith. Who deny the very God who created them. It saddens me to no end for them. I watch their lives unfold like a piece of paper; flat and without the fullness of God's grace. I love them, and i pray for them, but i don't understand them and their choices. I guess i just "don't get it". Because that too is a matter of life and death.
On the night she was born, miraculously alive given the circumstances, another family in another place was losing their dad. Another sister called to ask for prayer about a friend of hers. They had taken an impromptu trip to The Brazos River and were swimming when the nine year old son began to be pulled under the water. His friend jumped in to help him and soon went down as well. The father jumped in also and saved the boys but was swept away. They found his body many hours later.
Life and death, one coming into this world against all odds given the circumstances, and another leaving though he was a fine man, husband and father.
I just don't have words sometimes to make sense of it all- and that i guess is where faith enters the equation. While i don't understand, while i don't "get it", i know God does.
When my mom died after a year of battling cancer, and a year of constant prayer by me, my sisiters and my church family, i didn't get it. I comforted myself that she was healed in heaven, but i wanted her healed here! The lady with cancer at church that we prayerd for was healed; why her and not my mom? I just didn't get it and i still don't.
When my brother died at 25 years old, i didn't get it. When my nephews were murdered at 3 and 5 years old, i didn't get it. But i also don't get it when good things happen. I don't deserve any of the blessings bestowed on me and my family. None of us really do. When my husband survived a 14 hour surgery for a brain AVM located smack in the middle of his brain, without any paralysis or other neurological issues, i was thankful, grateful, but i didn't get it. They had prepared us for the worst- and we got the best. When i not only conceived, but carried my son full term and birthed a healthy and beautiful boy after i was told because of the scarring from years of childhood sexual abuse that i would never be able to conceive nor carry a child, i didn't get it. But you can understand that while i didn't get it i was on my knees thanking God above. Because while i don't get it, i know, with all of my knowing that HE has a plan.
He alone is the Author and Finisher of our faith. He knows our end from the beginning and He has a plan for our lives. At times like these, and those i mentioned above, it is hard to wrap your mind around "the plan"; that is when faith has to come in. Without faith, the sadness would be unbearable and without faith, there would be no hope.
Still,I know some people who have no faith. Who deny the very God who created them. It saddens me to no end for them. I watch their lives unfold like a piece of paper; flat and without the fullness of God's grace. I love them, and i pray for them, but i don't understand them and their choices. I guess i just "don't get it". Because that too is a matter of life and death.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Where have all the words gone?
I've been contemplating this passion i have for the written word. I've been contemplating, and reading, and fantasizing; i've been doing every "writerly" thing except actually writing and i'm left with the nagging question of "why?".
This morning at 3am i woke with a fabulous idea for a story that quickly vaporized when my feet hit the floor. Where do the words go? Where do the words go when i sit to write, or when i reach for my bedside pen and paper? Sometimes i fancy they have gone to the beach, or a mountain's peak, closer to God than i can get from my 15 acres. I feel them and God more at the beach, but i suppose if i lived at the beach, i would imagine the words in the middle of 15 acres of grass and trees and kittens.
As i wondered this morning it came to me that i have a great deal of trouble writing about my life. If i write about my childhood, will i hurt someones feelings? What if i remember things wrong, or remember the wrong things? Will i wake a sleeping monster from my past and invite it into my present? Will i offend someone living or dead? And really, who cares? How is my life, my history, my experience good or bad noteworthy to an innocent bystander who's eye happens to fall upon my page? Who would read about my traumas and the passage of my time? How do i make a past that was hardly livable at times readable, or worthy of reading now?
I suppose that is a question we all face in one way or another. "Do i matter, and if so how and to whom?"
Maybe i'll place a moratorium on the contemplating, and reading and fantasizing about writing. Instead, maybe i'll use that time to write. Maybe the answers will come then. Maybe i'll find their hiding place, those illusive words. Maybe.
This morning at 3am i woke with a fabulous idea for a story that quickly vaporized when my feet hit the floor. Where do the words go? Where do the words go when i sit to write, or when i reach for my bedside pen and paper? Sometimes i fancy they have gone to the beach, or a mountain's peak, closer to God than i can get from my 15 acres. I feel them and God more at the beach, but i suppose if i lived at the beach, i would imagine the words in the middle of 15 acres of grass and trees and kittens.
As i wondered this morning it came to me that i have a great deal of trouble writing about my life. If i write about my childhood, will i hurt someones feelings? What if i remember things wrong, or remember the wrong things? Will i wake a sleeping monster from my past and invite it into my present? Will i offend someone living or dead? And really, who cares? How is my life, my history, my experience good or bad noteworthy to an innocent bystander who's eye happens to fall upon my page? Who would read about my traumas and the passage of my time? How do i make a past that was hardly livable at times readable, or worthy of reading now?
I suppose that is a question we all face in one way or another. "Do i matter, and if so how and to whom?"
Maybe i'll place a moratorium on the contemplating, and reading and fantasizing about writing. Instead, maybe i'll use that time to write. Maybe the answers will come then. Maybe i'll find their hiding place, those illusive words. Maybe.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
My testimony- I have a Purpose
This past week i saw someone hurting. I wanted to run to this woman/child and put my arms around her and save her from the pain. I realized that i couldn't. Not only because she would not receive it, but also because pain that deep needs a healing that only God can offer. So, i left a note on her car and told her God loves her. I know, i know, some will think i have overstepped my bounds and perhaps they are right but i had to do something and this is what i felt i should do; share God's love with her in the only way i could.
We all see so much pain these days because of the availability of it in the media. It seems that it is even celebrated in movies, songs, the news and elsewhere, so much so that we have nearly become immune to it. I do not want to be immune to it. I want to stop it. Oh i know i can't. pain is a part of this world until Jesus returns but the bible says in Revelation 12:11 that we overcome the enemy by the Blood of The Lamb and the word of our testimony. So, here is my testimony. Perhaps someone will happen upon it who will read it and call on Jesus because of it. I can only pray it is so.
I know that I have a purpose. After all this time, I finally know that I have always had a purpose. I know this because God's word says so. In Psalm 139, verse 16 I found that “[God] saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in [His] book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” God knew all about me. He knew the mistakes I would make, the character flaws I would have, the lives I would touch, the pain I would endure. And He created me for such a time as this because my purpose however great or small is a part of His plan.
I have been raped, abused, molested, beaten, homeless, hungry, rich, poor, and abandoned. I have been a stepchild, a foster child, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I have been promiscuous, worldly, and vain. I have done things that I wish I had not done. I have not done things that I know should have. I have been a gossip, a liar, a cheat, a thief. I have been drunk, high, and I’ve been both very good and very bad. I am telling you all of this because what I have learned is that there is no forgiveness without repentance, we cannot change what we will not acknowledge, and that without a test there is no testimony.
On October 27, 1993, which was the day my divorce was final, I gave my life over to Jesus. It was rainy, cold, and I felt more alone than I’d ever felt in my entire life. There were times when I was younger my mom would just kind of abandon us, and leave us for weeks so I've known loneliness and this was the loneliest time I’d ever known in my life. I was reading a book called Search for Significance. I had hoped to learn how to be good enough for God to love. I’d been contemplating getting closer to God, listening to Christian music and watching “Christian programming”. I do not remember a time that I didn’t know something about God, something about Jesus, but on this night in October, sitting on my front porch, feeling more alone than I ever had in my life, I met God. I cried out “Jesus, if you’re really there please come and save me. Change my heart and change my life because I can’t do this alone. I can't go on like this.” I felt the most enormous love that I’d ever felt in my entire life, ever. I didn't expect that feeling because I'd always seen God as some great task master in the sky that was counting my mistakes, keeping a tally of them and punishing me for them. When I did anything wrong I expected to be punished. I felt for years that I deserved the abuses heaped upon me by the adults in my life. For even the smallest amount of wrong, I felt that I should be punished severely and that God was watching to make sure that happened. Consequently, I felt that there was nothing in me that was good. Not one thing that was inherently good and so how could God love me. To call out to God and have him love me and not completely dissolve me where I sat; that was huge to me. It was more than I could fathom really. But, I felt this love. And even though it may sound silly to some, it was as if there was a physical presence right there with me on that cold front porch. I felt His warmth around me, His loving presence telling me I wasn't alone. He did love me and would never leave me. I didn't understand it, but I accepted it finally because I needed it so badly. I needed to know His love and looking back I realize I needed to know that love so that I could begin to know I mattered simply because I existed and not based on the events or circumstances in my life.
That moment became my birthday. I did not suddenly become wise or even suddenly reconcile the hurt from my past to the promise of my future. However, I knew without any doubt that God loved me exactly as I was. Moreover, I came to know that God had a purpose for me, that all the days that came before, and that all the days to come were a part of that purpose.
So, on that October night when I accepted Jesus, I began this beautiful journey with my savior that has been and remains so amazing and personal and unique. I am thankful now for all of those things that I have been through. Those things that made me think at one time, “how could a loving God allow these things to happen to children, to anyone that he loves?” Perhaps that’s why I felt so unlovable for so long. I mean, if mom couldn’t protect me and God wouldn’t protect me, then I assumed I must be really unlovable. And now I look back and I say thank you God. Thank you for the lessons that I learned. If I hadn't been through these circumstances I may not know how to accept what is while hoping for what may be. Because I was hungry, a meal of peanut butter and jelly tastes like manna from heaven. Because of the abuses, a tender touch, an innocent hug is beautiful. I’m thankful for the things that happened to me, and I haven’t always been. Everyday I’m a little more thankful and I can accept the things that some people may not be able to accept because there was a time when I expected so little. I expected that the best home I would ever have was a shack, expected that I would always be hurt. I don’t expect these things anymore, because I know finally that I'm a daughter of the king. So I can accept little when little is what I have but I can accept blessings as they come. I now know that they will come when I need them. When I accept His blessings and His hope, that is when my life becomes exactly what it needs to be.
So I offer this to you with a purpose; not to celebrate the former things, but instead to celebrate the beauty that God offers; the beauty that can come when we allow Him to make good those things that were meant for evil. I believe that if I do not concern myself with how great or small my purpose is, but instead simply go about living it, then I will accomplish that which I've been made to do. I know God has a purpose for me and for you as well, because in Jeremiah 29:11 He tells me so. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says The Lord, “plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
In acknowledging this I can finally be free from these chains that have kept me bound and ineffective. Some of them were placed on me by others but some, and the hardest ones to break are the ones that I have placed on myself. So to God be the glory- He deserves it all and more.
We all see so much pain these days because of the availability of it in the media. It seems that it is even celebrated in movies, songs, the news and elsewhere, so much so that we have nearly become immune to it. I do not want to be immune to it. I want to stop it. Oh i know i can't. pain is a part of this world until Jesus returns but the bible says in Revelation 12:11 that we overcome the enemy by the Blood of The Lamb and the word of our testimony. So, here is my testimony. Perhaps someone will happen upon it who will read it and call on Jesus because of it. I can only pray it is so.
I know that I have a purpose. After all this time, I finally know that I have always had a purpose. I know this because God's word says so. In Psalm 139, verse 16 I found that “[God] saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in [His] book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” God knew all about me. He knew the mistakes I would make, the character flaws I would have, the lives I would touch, the pain I would endure. And He created me for such a time as this because my purpose however great or small is a part of His plan.
I have been raped, abused, molested, beaten, homeless, hungry, rich, poor, and abandoned. I have been a stepchild, a foster child, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I have been promiscuous, worldly, and vain. I have done things that I wish I had not done. I have not done things that I know should have. I have been a gossip, a liar, a cheat, a thief. I have been drunk, high, and I’ve been both very good and very bad. I am telling you all of this because what I have learned is that there is no forgiveness without repentance, we cannot change what we will not acknowledge, and that without a test there is no testimony.
On October 27, 1993, which was the day my divorce was final, I gave my life over to Jesus. It was rainy, cold, and I felt more alone than I’d ever felt in my entire life. There were times when I was younger my mom would just kind of abandon us, and leave us for weeks so I've known loneliness and this was the loneliest time I’d ever known in my life. I was reading a book called Search for Significance. I had hoped to learn how to be good enough for God to love. I’d been contemplating getting closer to God, listening to Christian music and watching “Christian programming”. I do not remember a time that I didn’t know something about God, something about Jesus, but on this night in October, sitting on my front porch, feeling more alone than I ever had in my life, I met God. I cried out “Jesus, if you’re really there please come and save me. Change my heart and change my life because I can’t do this alone. I can't go on like this.” I felt the most enormous love that I’d ever felt in my entire life, ever. I didn't expect that feeling because I'd always seen God as some great task master in the sky that was counting my mistakes, keeping a tally of them and punishing me for them. When I did anything wrong I expected to be punished. I felt for years that I deserved the abuses heaped upon me by the adults in my life. For even the smallest amount of wrong, I felt that I should be punished severely and that God was watching to make sure that happened. Consequently, I felt that there was nothing in me that was good. Not one thing that was inherently good and so how could God love me. To call out to God and have him love me and not completely dissolve me where I sat; that was huge to me. It was more than I could fathom really. But, I felt this love. And even though it may sound silly to some, it was as if there was a physical presence right there with me on that cold front porch. I felt His warmth around me, His loving presence telling me I wasn't alone. He did love me and would never leave me. I didn't understand it, but I accepted it finally because I needed it so badly. I needed to know His love and looking back I realize I needed to know that love so that I could begin to know I mattered simply because I existed and not based on the events or circumstances in my life.
That moment became my birthday. I did not suddenly become wise or even suddenly reconcile the hurt from my past to the promise of my future. However, I knew without any doubt that God loved me exactly as I was. Moreover, I came to know that God had a purpose for me, that all the days that came before, and that all the days to come were a part of that purpose.
So, on that October night when I accepted Jesus, I began this beautiful journey with my savior that has been and remains so amazing and personal and unique. I am thankful now for all of those things that I have been through. Those things that made me think at one time, “how could a loving God allow these things to happen to children, to anyone that he loves?” Perhaps that’s why I felt so unlovable for so long. I mean, if mom couldn’t protect me and God wouldn’t protect me, then I assumed I must be really unlovable. And now I look back and I say thank you God. Thank you for the lessons that I learned. If I hadn't been through these circumstances I may not know how to accept what is while hoping for what may be. Because I was hungry, a meal of peanut butter and jelly tastes like manna from heaven. Because of the abuses, a tender touch, an innocent hug is beautiful. I’m thankful for the things that happened to me, and I haven’t always been. Everyday I’m a little more thankful and I can accept the things that some people may not be able to accept because there was a time when I expected so little. I expected that the best home I would ever have was a shack, expected that I would always be hurt. I don’t expect these things anymore, because I know finally that I'm a daughter of the king. So I can accept little when little is what I have but I can accept blessings as they come. I now know that they will come when I need them. When I accept His blessings and His hope, that is when my life becomes exactly what it needs to be.
So I offer this to you with a purpose; not to celebrate the former things, but instead to celebrate the beauty that God offers; the beauty that can come when we allow Him to make good those things that were meant for evil. I believe that if I do not concern myself with how great or small my purpose is, but instead simply go about living it, then I will accomplish that which I've been made to do. I know God has a purpose for me and for you as well, because in Jeremiah 29:11 He tells me so. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says The Lord, “plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
In acknowledging this I can finally be free from these chains that have kept me bound and ineffective. Some of them were placed on me by others but some, and the hardest ones to break are the ones that I have placed on myself. So to God be the glory- He deserves it all and more.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
These Dreams
I always loved the song These Dreams by Heart. Ohh, i'm showing my age here i guess. I believe God speaks to many of us in dreams, not everyone of course, we all have different giftings and such, but definately some of us. I am among those whose dreams sometimes have a more prophetic tone, sometimes a foretelling of sorts and sometimes they are to teach. I have had one such dream recently- night before last to be exact. It still has me a bit shaken/wondering.
So- here is what i wrote upon waking-
I just woke from a terrible dream. At least the end was a terrible ending. But also a lesson. I know that distinctly. I was in a train station, a huge one like grand central station and i was with Shelby and Haley. There were sooooo many people around and I was so frustrated. The girls weren’t listening and every thing was costing more than I thought it should . we passed a wall of lockers, the ones you put the quarters in and turn the keys to a certain number and the key comes out and you take the key with you. The last number was 10. that I’m sure of . I think the first two were a 6 and a 4 but that is not certain. i was trying to figure out how to "beat the system" and get to use the lockers for free or for less than the full price. We had been on a trip or something. Anyway, we’re at this train station, bus or subway or something. I’m trying to get a ride to my mom’s old house in ft worth. The foot traffic is horrible. Anyway, the girls won’t stay with me and I have all this baggage that I’m trying to carry; it was like a coat of baggage and the baggage was all over me just hanging off. Finally I tell Shelby and Haley to go and sit down while I try to get the tickets. The ticket guy is very effeminate, very flippant and doesn’t seem to care about my plight. I mean I am heavy laden with bags, as if I were wearing a coat made of baggage. I tell him where I am going and he says there are no busses going there. I try to remember the streets around it and have to move out of line and then when I get back there I remember and tell him near Ridgemar Mall and he says the price and I say I don’t have that much and he says too bad that’s what it costs so I move away from the window again and look in my wallet and I see that I do have enough but then no more and so I go back to the window but instead of giving him all the money I have I haggle over the price. Then I get mad because he won’t come down on the price. Then I get rude because he isn’t helpful. He asks do I want the tickets or not and that it is almost too late and finally I give him the money, again, rudely , and he throws the tickets at me and I run for the train. Down the escalator I think and then I see the girls, Shelby and Haley, they are on the train and I’m trying to get there and it seems the train platform is moving further away. As the doors close I start to scream noooooooooooo, and though there is hardly anyone on the platform, they are in my way and I’m trying so hard to get there screaming, knowing people are thinking to themselves, "geeeze it’s just a bus, catch the next one", but they don’t know that my girls are on there. And I don’t make it. The bus pulls away and my girls are on it and there is nothing I can do about it. I cry and cry and I hear a voice , as clearly as if they were next to me say, "if you had dropped your baggage, or you weights, you could have reached them in time". And then it occurred to me that I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out how to beat the locker system and get to use it for free, and that I wasted an enormous amount of time at the ticket window haggling instead of just paying the cost.
I know there was more at the beginning but I can only remember bits and not even clearly enough to articulate it.
Immediately upon waking, I knew that this was a telling dream, although what exactly I’m not sure. One thing is about the baggage; it had me weighed down and I couldn’t get where I needed to go. I could have so easily just taken it off, and here I felt the scripture about “casting off the sin that so easily besets you” (Heb 12:1)so vividly I cried again. I had to thank God right away when I woke, because as much as the dream scared me, at losing my girls, I also feel it was a learning dream. Something meant to teach me before it is too late. I pray He will reveal the answer quickly. I also thought it might be referring to my actual physical weight and how it effects my relationship with the girls, not sure which is correct but both are possible. Another thing about the dream is that when we first got there the train/bus was close to the ticket window. I just realized that. By the end of the dream it was so far I had to run to catch it.
Another thing that was evident right away was that I haggled about the cost even though I had the exact amount right there in my wallet. It would have cost me everything, but I would have made it. Of course, it never occurred to me that the girls were on the train/bus. In fact, I was so caught up in my diatribe about how rude the ticket guy was and how ridiculous the prices were, that I never even thought of them – at all - after I told them to sit down, until I was trying to get to the train/bus and realized they were on it, without me. How scary, and profound. And scary. Still, after I quit screaming, which was when I woke up, literally screaming "no no no", I had an immediate peace that the girls were going to be okay. The dream wasn’t about the girls being lost. They were going to get where they needed to be. I knew the dream was more about me and my sin than them and theirs (not behaving). The "set aside those things that so easily beset you" scripture came to my waking mind immediately again. And I had to thank God for loving me so much He would choose to show me before it is too late. I just pray I receive what was sent and change accordingly.
I had my tickets, I could have ridden then next bus, but it wouldn’t end up in the same place. And my girls were alone on the bus/train. There was nothing to be done about it. I was reasoning that I could call someone to meet them at their stop and I could go yell at the ticket guy when I woke. Until the peace that they would be okay came to me. Of course, I kept thinking about how they could be violated on the trip, but I don’t think that was the message. The whole thing is still a little disconcerting. I want to blog about it, to go online and check my email and check out the ACTS forum but I think I need to mull this over a while and so I’m going to go work in the garden and see if I can hear more from my Lord. I know the dream was from Him. There’s a difference in regular dreams and telling dreams and prophecy dreams. A huge difference in how they feel and look and sound. This was a telling dream. I just hope I heard the right thing. God help me. Help me to change please, to be less demanding, to shed the baggage that I don’t need anymore or maybe never did. To quit focusing on other peoples flaws and start to focus on and fix my own. Please help me. I want to “cast of the weights that so easily beset me". And I know I can’t do it without You. - 6:30 am Monday June 2, 2008
So- htere it is- this is what i woke up and wrote yesterday morning. The dream is still so vivid in my mind i cana see and smell the station and hear the crowd. i can feel the weight if it let myself but i am trying very hard to let it go and learn.
If anyone has any helpful comments, please do-
Peace
So- here is what i wrote upon waking-
I just woke from a terrible dream. At least the end was a terrible ending. But also a lesson. I know that distinctly. I was in a train station, a huge one like grand central station and i was with Shelby and Haley. There were sooooo many people around and I was so frustrated. The girls weren’t listening and every thing was costing more than I thought it should . we passed a wall of lockers, the ones you put the quarters in and turn the keys to a certain number and the key comes out and you take the key with you. The last number was 10. that I’m sure of . I think the first two were a 6 and a 4 but that is not certain. i was trying to figure out how to "beat the system" and get to use the lockers for free or for less than the full price. We had been on a trip or something. Anyway, we’re at this train station, bus or subway or something. I’m trying to get a ride to my mom’s old house in ft worth. The foot traffic is horrible. Anyway, the girls won’t stay with me and I have all this baggage that I’m trying to carry; it was like a coat of baggage and the baggage was all over me just hanging off. Finally I tell Shelby and Haley to go and sit down while I try to get the tickets. The ticket guy is very effeminate, very flippant and doesn’t seem to care about my plight. I mean I am heavy laden with bags, as if I were wearing a coat made of baggage. I tell him where I am going and he says there are no busses going there. I try to remember the streets around it and have to move out of line and then when I get back there I remember and tell him near Ridgemar Mall and he says the price and I say I don’t have that much and he says too bad that’s what it costs so I move away from the window again and look in my wallet and I see that I do have enough but then no more and so I go back to the window but instead of giving him all the money I have I haggle over the price. Then I get mad because he won’t come down on the price. Then I get rude because he isn’t helpful. He asks do I want the tickets or not and that it is almost too late and finally I give him the money, again, rudely , and he throws the tickets at me and I run for the train. Down the escalator I think and then I see the girls, Shelby and Haley, they are on the train and I’m trying to get there and it seems the train platform is moving further away. As the doors close I start to scream noooooooooooo, and though there is hardly anyone on the platform, they are in my way and I’m trying so hard to get there screaming, knowing people are thinking to themselves, "geeeze it’s just a bus, catch the next one", but they don’t know that my girls are on there. And I don’t make it. The bus pulls away and my girls are on it and there is nothing I can do about it. I cry and cry and I hear a voice , as clearly as if they were next to me say, "if you had dropped your baggage, or you weights, you could have reached them in time". And then it occurred to me that I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out how to beat the locker system and get to use it for free, and that I wasted an enormous amount of time at the ticket window haggling instead of just paying the cost.
I know there was more at the beginning but I can only remember bits and not even clearly enough to articulate it.
Immediately upon waking, I knew that this was a telling dream, although what exactly I’m not sure. One thing is about the baggage; it had me weighed down and I couldn’t get where I needed to go. I could have so easily just taken it off, and here I felt the scripture about “casting off the sin that so easily besets you” (Heb 12:1)so vividly I cried again. I had to thank God right away when I woke, because as much as the dream scared me, at losing my girls, I also feel it was a learning dream. Something meant to teach me before it is too late. I pray He will reveal the answer quickly. I also thought it might be referring to my actual physical weight and how it effects my relationship with the girls, not sure which is correct but both are possible. Another thing about the dream is that when we first got there the train/bus was close to the ticket window. I just realized that. By the end of the dream it was so far I had to run to catch it.
Another thing that was evident right away was that I haggled about the cost even though I had the exact amount right there in my wallet. It would have cost me everything, but I would have made it. Of course, it never occurred to me that the girls were on the train/bus. In fact, I was so caught up in my diatribe about how rude the ticket guy was and how ridiculous the prices were, that I never even thought of them – at all - after I told them to sit down, until I was trying to get to the train/bus and realized they were on it, without me. How scary, and profound. And scary. Still, after I quit screaming, which was when I woke up, literally screaming "no no no", I had an immediate peace that the girls were going to be okay. The dream wasn’t about the girls being lost. They were going to get where they needed to be. I knew the dream was more about me and my sin than them and theirs (not behaving). The "set aside those things that so easily beset you" scripture came to my waking mind immediately again. And I had to thank God for loving me so much He would choose to show me before it is too late. I just pray I receive what was sent and change accordingly.
I had my tickets, I could have ridden then next bus, but it wouldn’t end up in the same place. And my girls were alone on the bus/train. There was nothing to be done about it. I was reasoning that I could call someone to meet them at their stop and I could go yell at the ticket guy when I woke. Until the peace that they would be okay came to me. Of course, I kept thinking about how they could be violated on the trip, but I don’t think that was the message. The whole thing is still a little disconcerting. I want to blog about it, to go online and check my email and check out the ACTS forum but I think I need to mull this over a while and so I’m going to go work in the garden and see if I can hear more from my Lord. I know the dream was from Him. There’s a difference in regular dreams and telling dreams and prophecy dreams. A huge difference in how they feel and look and sound. This was a telling dream. I just hope I heard the right thing. God help me. Help me to change please, to be less demanding, to shed the baggage that I don’t need anymore or maybe never did. To quit focusing on other peoples flaws and start to focus on and fix my own. Please help me. I want to “cast of the weights that so easily beset me". And I know I can’t do it without You. - 6:30 am Monday June 2, 2008
So- htere it is- this is what i woke up and wrote yesterday morning. The dream is still so vivid in my mind i cana see and smell the station and hear the crowd. i can feel the weight if it let myself but i am trying very hard to let it go and learn.
If anyone has any helpful comments, please do-
Peace
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