Thankful
Like the Pilgrims in the beginning, and so many other families this season, we gathered together to give thanks to God for the bountiful harvests in our life. Most harvests in this modern day are not those of planted seed crops and successful hunts, but I think this year maybe ours was in a way. We thanked God for the health and recovery of my nephew Christopher, who had just a week before been in a terrible auto accident. The news of his injuries brought many who knew him, or were asked to pray by a friend or relative, to their knees planting seeds of hope and healing through faith. On Thanksgiving Day, just one week after the accident, we gave thanks for a harvest of answered prayer evidenced by Christopher’s being able to sit up, speak, eat, walk and talk. He is on the road to a full recovery; I know, because those are the seeds of faith that we planted.
Additionally, we gave thanks for a successful “hunt”. You see, my sister Cher asked one of her friends who is a genealogist to find our twin sisters that we had not seen since 1969. The circumstance of their not being a part of our life was sketchy, even more so the place they might have grown up and the people who might have raised them, still Cher and her wonderful friend Rye began a hunt that would end successfully after two years on October 10, 2008. Our sisters were found. We emailed and sent pictures at first until November 1, 2008 which was my birthday. Talking to my now grown sisters who once were my “doll babies” was one of the best birthday presents I could have ever wished for.
And on Thanksgiving, we all gathered together at our littlest sister, Bobbie’s, home for the best Thanksgiving ever; 7 sisters, 6 husbands (one had to work and we missed him sorely), 12 nephews, 10 nieces, 1 future daughter-in-law, 1 future son-in-law, 1 grand-daughter/niece, and one father- in –law; 39 of us together to give thanks. God is indeed good.
We gave thanks for our bountiful harvests of love and hope and triumph over trials, for the health and well being of our families and friends, for bringing us all together again. We thanked God for another year together and for many years to come as He wills. We thanked God for traveling mercies as some traveled from far away and before we left we prayed for peace and strength and God’s protection as we went our separate ways.
We had much to be thankful for this year; these were just the “big two”. God is so good to us all in so many ways. While bad things happen that we don’t understand and can’t explain, it helps to know that (Rom 8:28) “in all things God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose.” (All of Romans, chapter 8, addresses these times really, and knowing God’s word ALWAYS helps.) It helps to know that while we don’t understand or like what is going on sometimes, God is still God and will love us through whatever we are going through and will love us however we feel about it.
I’m so thankful that His love for me is not dependant on how good or bad I am. The day I learned that was a day of freedom for me and one I am ever thankful for. There is so much that I'm thankful for, in fact, I strive towards "thanks-living"; living everyday thankful for the big little things that get overlooked. I'm thankful, and i tell God so, for sight, and for the ability to taste and feel and hear. I'm thankful for running water and inside plumbing. I'm thankful that i have a washer and dryer and don't have to lug my clothes to the laundry mat or wash them in the tub because i have done both and each is a lot of work. I'm also thankful for work; work for my hands and my mind, work for my children so they will grow up thankful and work for my husband that pays well enough for me to stay home and care for the children. I'm thankful for my children and husband and sisters and brothers and nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles and cousins and my dad and step-mom and the time i had with my mom before she passed. I'm so thankful for my friends, homeschooling community, church family and online friends. It amazes me how the technology of today makes us so much closer and I'm thankful for all the good ways that we can find to use this technology. I'm thankful for America and the freedoms and rights that i have always been blessed to know; like the right to pursue happiness, not the right to happiness, but the right to pursue happiness and the certainty that i am not just a pawn in some cosmic chess game, but my opinions and actions count. That is something to be thankful for to be sure.
Yes- I was thankful on Thursday, November 27, 2008 and I'm thankful today and i will be thankful tomorrow. While i know bad things can and will happen in this life, i rest in God knowing that while i don't like or understand everything that happens in this life, He has a plan. Romans chapter 8 tells me so. Specifically, Romans 8:28 says " We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose."
I hope you had a great Thanksgiving Day and i hope even more that you have a great "thanks-living" day today.
Peace-
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
PRAYER FOR THIS ELECTION
Please join me in prayer for our country as we face the most historical election of our time.
Whether you are conservative or liberal, republican or democrat, man or woman, regardless of race or creed,i hope you will join in prayer for the welfare of our land.
Father God I ask that you help us to all remember that it is never too late for You to hear our prayer, and knowing this, help us call on You in this, our country’s time of decision. (2 Chronicles 7:14 However, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves, pray, search for me, and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear their prayer from heaven, forgive their sins, and heal their country (God’s Word paraphrase.) Please forgive us as a nation for sinning against you and help us to truly repent as a nation and turn our hearts back to God, Country, and Family.
I come to you in thanks and praise for this life and this country. Lord, I thank you for the freedoms and rights we have as Americans and for the liberties that were fought so hard for over the history of this nation. I pray for peace and unity once again in this great country, America. I pray that You would have your way in our government, in our communities, in our people and that whomever is elected, it would be Your will. I pray that You would strengthen Your people to vote according to Your good will and that You would help us a as nation to gather round our leaders and support them, showing the world a that we are still, and will always be "The Land of The Free and The Home of The Brave", and “One Nation Under GOD.”
Father, give our leaders strength, courage, and wisdom. Help them to be men and women of great faith and conviction. I pray that You would send angels to protect them as they govern this land and that You would bless and protect their families as well.
Lord, most of all I pray that You have YOUR way in this election on every level; nationally, statewide and in each community. Help us to all remember that no matter who sits in The White House, YOU SIT ON THE THRONE.
I ask these things in Jesus’ name, amen
Whether you are conservative or liberal, republican or democrat, man or woman, regardless of race or creed,i hope you will join in prayer for the welfare of our land.
Father God I ask that you help us to all remember that it is never too late for You to hear our prayer, and knowing this, help us call on You in this, our country’s time of decision. (2 Chronicles 7:14 However, if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves, pray, search for me, and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear their prayer from heaven, forgive their sins, and heal their country (God’s Word paraphrase.) Please forgive us as a nation for sinning against you and help us to truly repent as a nation and turn our hearts back to God, Country, and Family.
I come to you in thanks and praise for this life and this country. Lord, I thank you for the freedoms and rights we have as Americans and for the liberties that were fought so hard for over the history of this nation. I pray for peace and unity once again in this great country, America. I pray that You would have your way in our government, in our communities, in our people and that whomever is elected, it would be Your will. I pray that You would strengthen Your people to vote according to Your good will and that You would help us a as nation to gather round our leaders and support them, showing the world a that we are still, and will always be "The Land of The Free and The Home of The Brave", and “One Nation Under GOD.”
Father, give our leaders strength, courage, and wisdom. Help them to be men and women of great faith and conviction. I pray that You would send angels to protect them as they govern this land and that You would bless and protect their families as well.
Lord, most of all I pray that You have YOUR way in this election on every level; nationally, statewide and in each community. Help us to all remember that no matter who sits in The White House, YOU SIT ON THE THRONE.
I ask these things in Jesus’ name, amen
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
writing my life
Well, I’m doing it. I'm finally committing to writing my memoirs, or autobiography. Not sure how this will all play out because I’m not all together certain that anyone cares except those closest to me who wonder why I am what I am, however, my spirit is unsettled and after much prayerful consideration, my answer seems to be to put the past in its rightful place so that I can move on. I thought I had, but perhaps this will put it in perspective for me? I don't know why, I only know I have to do this. I have decided that I will write as the memories come and edit before I let anyone read it. My intent is not to harm anyone and so I will not share the original draft. I guess if my kids choose to read it after I die that is up to them, but I learned after reading my moms journals (after she died) that some things are best left unsaid. Not that she said anything wrong, but they were her thoughts and feelings that she didn't share with us for a reason and those reasons were hers. She had a right to her private feelings and thoughts and consequently, I had no right to judge them before or after her death. I suppose this is more meant to be cathartic for me than explanatory to anyone else.
I have been asked though, by several women if I would ever tell my whole story that they would love to read it. Seems some of the things I went through have encouraged those who know me now after the storm. That makes me feel better; that God could use the pain I went through to help heal another women's pain. It may as well be used so that it had some sort of meaning.
So, I will go now to begin. This was possibly just a ploy to procrastinate a moment because the thought of putting it all on paper (or in the computer) is really scary for me. I left those monsters in the past for a reason. Maybe now though, I can really slay the dragons and through God's help, I can really be victorious over the thoughts that hold me back and the habits formed so long ago. Perhaps I will find the happy memories outweigh the sad ones, the good outweigh the bad, and will have a whole different view of my childhood and adolescence.
Hmmmm? I guess only time will tell.
I have been asked though, by several women if I would ever tell my whole story that they would love to read it. Seems some of the things I went through have encouraged those who know me now after the storm. That makes me feel better; that God could use the pain I went through to help heal another women's pain. It may as well be used so that it had some sort of meaning.
So, I will go now to begin. This was possibly just a ploy to procrastinate a moment because the thought of putting it all on paper (or in the computer) is really scary for me. I left those monsters in the past for a reason. Maybe now though, I can really slay the dragons and through God's help, I can really be victorious over the thoughts that hold me back and the habits formed so long ago. Perhaps I will find the happy memories outweigh the sad ones, the good outweigh the bad, and will have a whole different view of my childhood and adolescence.
Hmmmm? I guess only time will tell.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE
I VOTE
I’m an unwed mother of 4.
I’m on welfare for now, but I’m working to get out of this hell.
I just need help for a while,
AND I VOTE.
I’m CFO of a Fortune 500 company.
I have a few more rungs to climb before I reach the top.
I spend time with my friends, I work,
AND I VOTE.
I’m a stay at home mom,
Wife to a good man who works his butt off for his family
We both sacrifice so that I can be home, but we love our kids.
AND I VOTE.
I’m a recent high school graduate.
I make $6.00 an hour and eat peanut butter three nights a week so I can save for college.
But I won’t make $6.00 an hour forever.
AND I VOTE.
I am black, and white, and Hispanic.
I’m the minority, and the majority and the statistic so lovingly labeled “other”.
I read, watch television, pay my bills and my taxes.
I spend money and my time in many different ways.
I laugh, I cry, I notice what’s going on around me.
AND I VOTE.
I matter to my mama
Because I exist.
I matter to politicians,
BECAUSE I VOTE.
To be an American is an awesome privilege.
To be an American is an awesome responsibility.
America is the land of the free, BECAUSE I VOTE!
I’m an unwed mother of 4.
I’m on welfare for now, but I’m working to get out of this hell.
I just need help for a while,
AND I VOTE.
I’m CFO of a Fortune 500 company.
I have a few more rungs to climb before I reach the top.
I spend time with my friends, I work,
AND I VOTE.
I’m a stay at home mom,
Wife to a good man who works his butt off for his family
We both sacrifice so that I can be home, but we love our kids.
AND I VOTE.
I’m a recent high school graduate.
I make $6.00 an hour and eat peanut butter three nights a week so I can save for college.
But I won’t make $6.00 an hour forever.
AND I VOTE.
I am black, and white, and Hispanic.
I’m the minority, and the majority and the statistic so lovingly labeled “other”.
I read, watch television, pay my bills and my taxes.
I spend money and my time in many different ways.
I laugh, I cry, I notice what’s going on around me.
AND I VOTE.
I matter to my mama
Because I exist.
I matter to politicians,
BECAUSE I VOTE.
To be an American is an awesome privilege.
To be an American is an awesome responsibility.
America is the land of the free, BECAUSE I VOTE!
The Land of Should- a poem
I don’t want to live in the land of “I should”
The land of “I might”
The land of “I could”
I choose to live in the land of “I will”
The land of “I can”
It gives me a thrill
just tapping these words into the reality of a white page
In those other lands I was filled with sadness and rage.
Now I live in “I will” and “I can” and “I do”
and when I live there my reality is true
When I traverse back to “I should” or “I must”
My creativity is stifled
My energy is bust
The land of “I shouldn’t” or “I can’t” is untrue
I can
But sometimes I just don’t want to
And that’s okay in the land of “I can”
It is my choice here, not some “ought”, “must” or “should”
It is my choice here and choice is good.
by - Andora Henson
written in 2006 or 2007 (not sure as i didn't date the original)
The land of “I might”
The land of “I could”
I choose to live in the land of “I will”
The land of “I can”
It gives me a thrill
just tapping these words into the reality of a white page
In those other lands I was filled with sadness and rage.
Now I live in “I will” and “I can” and “I do”
and when I live there my reality is true
When I traverse back to “I should” or “I must”
My creativity is stifled
My energy is bust
The land of “I shouldn’t” or “I can’t” is untrue
I can
But sometimes I just don’t want to
And that’s okay in the land of “I can”
It is my choice here, not some “ought”, “must” or “should”
It is my choice here and choice is good.
by - Andora Henson
written in 2006 or 2007 (not sure as i didn't date the original)
Monday, September 15, 2008
a change of perspective
Life
Been a while since i stopped in to drop a line and a thought. This morning when i woke up i had about a million, or thirty things on my to do list. Quickly, it was apparent that things weren't going to go exactly as i planned. Soon, i was cross, unsettled, okay; i was downright ornery! Top the frustration of not being good enough with the headache i had, and the pressure i felt from the ever growing never ending list of things to do and soon i blew it! tears flowed and couldn't be stopped. sheepishly i prayed on the way to our monday home school co-op meeting.
Oh yes, i prayed even in the midst of my melt down. See, our bible study had been on kind words wouldn't you know. and when Haley read the proverb for the day it was Proverbs 15 of course which begins with:
(Pro 15:1) A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. (Pro 15:2) The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. (Pro 15:3) The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good. (Pro 15:4) A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.
Oh yes, i could feel the gentle chastisement of The Holy Spirit, but i didn't feel condemned. Instead i felt so honored that God Almighty, King of the Universe would care enough about me and my silliness to remind me through His Word and his child, my daughter Haley, that He loves me and i need to behave according to His Word in order to experience the life He created me to live. By the time we arrived at co-op i felt a bit better, but still my heart was heavy. As i walked in the sweet sound of voices raised in praise and worship greeted me. I had missed the discussion portion and entered smack in the middle of our praise time and it blessed me so.
Seeing my distress, some of the godly women in the group offered a shoulder and a hug.
I realized when i left that while the circumstances hadn't changed, and the pain in my head and body had actually grown worse, that i felt much better because i had things in a better perspective.
God has never failed me. He has never turned me away when i have come to Him with sincere confession and repentance. He has forgiven me and helped me find my way back to Him every time i have failed Him and taken my eyes off Him. God is so good. and i thank Him for my family, and my friends. I have the best of them, family and friends you know.
I pray you have a great day tomorrow, and the next day as well. And i hope that if you find yourself having less than a great day that you will remember my less than great day and stop right where you are, pray and find some praise and worship music and some godly friends. That will make things much more bearable, no matter what things they are. It may not change your circumstances, but these things change you, just a little bit each time.
God bless you all my friends.
Peace- a
Been a while since i stopped in to drop a line and a thought. This morning when i woke up i had about a million, or thirty things on my to do list. Quickly, it was apparent that things weren't going to go exactly as i planned. Soon, i was cross, unsettled, okay; i was downright ornery! Top the frustration of not being good enough with the headache i had, and the pressure i felt from the ever growing never ending list of things to do and soon i blew it! tears flowed and couldn't be stopped. sheepishly i prayed on the way to our monday home school co-op meeting.
Oh yes, i prayed even in the midst of my melt down. See, our bible study had been on kind words wouldn't you know. and when Haley read the proverb for the day it was Proverbs 15 of course which begins with:
(Pro 15:1) A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. (Pro 15:2) The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. (Pro 15:3) The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good. (Pro 15:4) A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.
Oh yes, i could feel the gentle chastisement of The Holy Spirit, but i didn't feel condemned. Instead i felt so honored that God Almighty, King of the Universe would care enough about me and my silliness to remind me through His Word and his child, my daughter Haley, that He loves me and i need to behave according to His Word in order to experience the life He created me to live. By the time we arrived at co-op i felt a bit better, but still my heart was heavy. As i walked in the sweet sound of voices raised in praise and worship greeted me. I had missed the discussion portion and entered smack in the middle of our praise time and it blessed me so.
Seeing my distress, some of the godly women in the group offered a shoulder and a hug.
I realized when i left that while the circumstances hadn't changed, and the pain in my head and body had actually grown worse, that i felt much better because i had things in a better perspective.
God has never failed me. He has never turned me away when i have come to Him with sincere confession and repentance. He has forgiven me and helped me find my way back to Him every time i have failed Him and taken my eyes off Him. God is so good. and i thank Him for my family, and my friends. I have the best of them, family and friends you know.
I pray you have a great day tomorrow, and the next day as well. And i hope that if you find yourself having less than a great day that you will remember my less than great day and stop right where you are, pray and find some praise and worship music and some godly friends. That will make things much more bearable, no matter what things they are. It may not change your circumstances, but these things change you, just a little bit each time.
God bless you all my friends.
Peace- a
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Get 'er dun!
"Get er dun", that redneck colloquialism, meaning the same as Nike's "just do it" has me frazzled. I am a get it done kind of girl normally. Lately however, i can't seem to get anything done and it's driving me nuts.
How do you get it all done when you don't have the money, equipment, supplies or energy?
How do you pay the taxes and all your regular bills and all the medical bills and all the old bills from when you were young and stupid?
How do you sucessfully work,teach,parent, be married, volunteer, clean, cook, be a good friend, and all the other things that one woman has to do in a day?
Am i the only one who ever finds themselves ready to hide, or scream?
How do you get it all done when you don't have the money, equipment, supplies or energy?
How do you pay the taxes and all your regular bills and all the medical bills and all the old bills from when you were young and stupid?
How do you sucessfully work,teach,parent, be married, volunteer, clean, cook, be a good friend, and all the other things that one woman has to do in a day?
Am i the only one who ever finds themselves ready to hide, or scream?
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Night The Lights Went Out in Eustace
Last night at around 9pm the lights went out. The whole town was dark for as far as i could tell. We live in a small rural town and there are few lights anyway, but when the lights go out everywhere there is a darkness that is almost overwhelming. I was awake, watching the news and ironing my husbands pants, when the electricity went out. I quickly got a flashlight, located some candles and a second battery powered lantern. Next i called the electric company to report the outage. I went about these tasks making very little noise, and far less than the television had been making, but still the silence and the heat woke my husband who is an otherwise very sound sleeper. "Why is it so hot in here?" he wondered. "The power is out. Won't be on till at least one a.m." He grumbled, and went back to sleep. As i lay there i wondered at the sheer blackness of the room. I raised my leg. Normally you can see in a dark room when your eyes adjust; last night, there was nothing there. I raised my hand to just in front of my face; nothing. It was eery. I was not surprised when my daughter called from her room. "Mom, why is it so dark? I asked her what woke her and she said, "the dark did." How can silence, and darkness wake someone? Aren't they necessary for sleep? But i knew what she meant; this darkness was different. It had presence and thickness. The silence had hands. It made me think about how comfortable we have become with the electricity, with the air conditioner, with the comforts of home and life in the 21st century. Could we make it if there were a sustained power outage? Are we prepared for a disaster of any kind, much less biblical proportions? And how do we prepare? This darkness was so bad because it was widespread: when it is just our lights out there is still light elsewhere we can go to.
The questions raised by this 3 and a half hour change of pace have varied from personal to political to faith to physical. So many questions, and only One has the answers.
We ended up outside on the trampoline because it was cooler outside and it was actually brighter since the moon was big and bright and comforting. The crickets and cicadas and bull frogs supplied all the customary noise and after the novelty of sleeping outside under the stars wore off, we were all about to go to sleep when : THE LIGHTS CAME BACK ON!
It was like a shock of sorts. I had actually drifted off and found the lights and television and fans and air conditioners an intrusion of sorts. But only for a moment. I was happy to jump back into the king under the a/c and drift off.
But the questions remain. I hope the answers find me soon.
The questions raised by this 3 and a half hour change of pace have varied from personal to political to faith to physical. So many questions, and only One has the answers.
We ended up outside on the trampoline because it was cooler outside and it was actually brighter since the moon was big and bright and comforting. The crickets and cicadas and bull frogs supplied all the customary noise and after the novelty of sleeping outside under the stars wore off, we were all about to go to sleep when : THE LIGHTS CAME BACK ON!
It was like a shock of sorts. I had actually drifted off and found the lights and television and fans and air conditioners an intrusion of sorts. But only for a moment. I was happy to jump back into the king under the a/c and drift off.
But the questions remain. I hope the answers find me soon.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
a conclusion and a lesson
Today I jumped to a conclusion, and learned a lesson.
I was looking for some gum that I had bought and put in my purse. It wasn’t there. I looked all over; in my purse, in the car, on my desk. I couldn’t find it anywhere. So I jumped to the conclusion that one of the kids took it from my purse. It was logical; they love gum, the gum was gone, so they must have taken it. So, I asked them. They all denied it. I spent hours being upset with my kids for not telling me who took the gum. I was hurt more than anything; hurt that they would steal from me.
Later, I was looking for something else, and low and behold I found the gum. I felt lower than an ant’s belly. How could I have accused my children? I called my them right away and apologized and asked their forgiveness. Of course, they gave it without malice because they are great kids.
I asked for God’s forgiveness as I drove to the grocery store. My pride was hurt and as I parked the car I tasted the humble pie I’d just eaten. Then a question hit my heart like an arrow piercing a bulls-eye: when we don't tithe does God feel the same hurt that I had earlier?
I mean, God is our Father, and while He doesn’t need the money, it is all His. I didn’t need the gum, but I was hurt when I thought my children had stolen from me. The bible says that when we don’t tithe we are robbing God, so He must feel hurt by our continued stealing from him when we don’t tithe the whole tithe.
Ouch. I asked God's forgiveness, and He gave it. He gave it because of The Blood and because He is a perfect God and a perfect Father.
I know i'll never be a perfect mother, and i know i'll never be a perfect Christian. I'm so very thankful that in my imperfection my children and my God will always love me and forgive me. I pray that one day i will be as forgiving and loving as them. I pray that one day i will deserve such love. Until them i will continue to learn and grow and thank God for the love, the forgiveness, and the lessons.
I was looking for some gum that I had bought and put in my purse. It wasn’t there. I looked all over; in my purse, in the car, on my desk. I couldn’t find it anywhere. So I jumped to the conclusion that one of the kids took it from my purse. It was logical; they love gum, the gum was gone, so they must have taken it. So, I asked them. They all denied it. I spent hours being upset with my kids for not telling me who took the gum. I was hurt more than anything; hurt that they would steal from me.
Later, I was looking for something else, and low and behold I found the gum. I felt lower than an ant’s belly. How could I have accused my children? I called my them right away and apologized and asked their forgiveness. Of course, they gave it without malice because they are great kids.
I asked for God’s forgiveness as I drove to the grocery store. My pride was hurt and as I parked the car I tasted the humble pie I’d just eaten. Then a question hit my heart like an arrow piercing a bulls-eye: when we don't tithe does God feel the same hurt that I had earlier?
I mean, God is our Father, and while He doesn’t need the money, it is all His. I didn’t need the gum, but I was hurt when I thought my children had stolen from me. The bible says that when we don’t tithe we are robbing God, so He must feel hurt by our continued stealing from him when we don’t tithe the whole tithe.
Ouch. I asked God's forgiveness, and He gave it. He gave it because of The Blood and because He is a perfect God and a perfect Father.
I know i'll never be a perfect mother, and i know i'll never be a perfect Christian. I'm so very thankful that in my imperfection my children and my God will always love me and forgive me. I pray that one day i will be as forgiving and loving as them. I pray that one day i will deserve such love. Until them i will continue to learn and grow and thank God for the love, the forgiveness, and the lessons.
Friday, July 11, 2008
To sleep, perchance to Dream
I'm exhausted. The pain has been quite severe lately. Last night was the worst. Tonight after hubby got home, and i fed the kids and did the laundry, i laid down to sleep. It was 7:30pm. I went straight to sleep but woke about 45 minutes later from a horrid dream: i was being buried alive. I was looking up from the grave as people threw the dirt in on top of me. I think i was even trying to reason with them that i was alive and please don't bury me. This alone would have been disheartening, but coupled with the fact that I had a smilar dream two nights ago, it was enough to keep me awake. Two nights ago i dreamt i was in a swamp. A thick, dark, gloomy swamp that i couldn't find my way out of. There were leeches, alligators, and thick slimy mud. I lived there, my home was there and though i wanted to get out i couldn't find the way out. What the heck is up? Why now? Why these dreams? I would take an excedrin pm except that i may have another bad dream and not be able to wake up. The worst part is, i'm awake and my head hurts so badly i can't think so i can't write, and it is so late i can't call anyone and my hunny is sleeping. aaarrrggghhh.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Cleaning House
Today i decluttered. For hours my girls and i threw out things from our homeschooling closet, from our craft closet, and from the stack of books and papers we just had to save from last "semester". There is still a lot left and I'm left wondering, "how do we get so much stuff and why do we insist on keeping it all?" My girls are much bigger pack-rats than i am. I admit i used to be one but after my mom died, and we had to go through all of her years of clutter, i re-evaluated everything i was storing. I guess in the six plus years since then i had forgotten the agony of that chore because i found that i was holding on to some pretty strange things. There were pens from our cruise, scratch paper in all shapes, sizes and colors, telephone numbers from friends that i haven't seen or called in over five years, and the list goes on and on. Why? Did i simply toss these things aside and forget to weed them out over the years? Had i stuffed them in these nooks and never looked back? Why did i keep the telephone numbers and not the friends? How many things and people do we toss carelessly aside and simply forget to remember them? It made me a little sad after i had cleaned the de-clutter mess and reminded me of the people i need to call.
Now, where did i put that number?
Now, where did i put that number?
Monday, June 23, 2008
So much...
There is so much to do! Lesson plans to make, experiments to plan, stories to write and edit and re-write, and so much more. What a time for my body to begin to hate me again. For the past few days the pain has grown increasingly worse and the fatigue along with it. There is no comfortable position to be in; lying down hurts my head and back, and walking is darn near impossible sometimes as the pain in my feet and hips shoot through me like drano through the house pipes. But, i know it won't last. it never lasts longer than a few months, and this doesn't seem like a three month flare- maybe a couple of weeks at most this time. And, while the medicine doesn't make the pain go completely away, it does decrease the severity. Also, since the pain keeps me up into the wee morning hours, perhaps i can actually get some writing done. There is always a blessing.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
A Matter of Life and Death
My sister called this morning with news and a prayer request; her next "maybe" child was born Saturday evening three months premature. My sister is foster mom, soon to be adoptive mom, to this baby's two older siblings. She had supported the birthmom as much as possible, emotionally and spiritually since she first met her when she received the four year old girl, and continued to love and care for her when she received the newborn boy over a year ago. She cautioned young mom when she was told of this last pregnancy,to please take care of her baby and her body, but alas, this young mother again took drugs during her pregnancy and now, this newest baby girl is fighting for her life at less than 2 pounds.
On the night she was born, miraculously alive given the circumstances, another family in another place was losing their dad. Another sister called to ask for prayer about a friend of hers. They had taken an impromptu trip to The Brazos River and were swimming when the nine year old son began to be pulled under the water. His friend jumped in to help him and soon went down as well. The father jumped in also and saved the boys but was swept away. They found his body many hours later.
Life and death, one coming into this world against all odds given the circumstances, and another leaving though he was a fine man, husband and father.
I just don't have words sometimes to make sense of it all- and that i guess is where faith enters the equation. While i don't understand, while i don't "get it", i know God does.
When my mom died after a year of battling cancer, and a year of constant prayer by me, my sisiters and my church family, i didn't get it. I comforted myself that she was healed in heaven, but i wanted her healed here! The lady with cancer at church that we prayerd for was healed; why her and not my mom? I just didn't get it and i still don't.
When my brother died at 25 years old, i didn't get it. When my nephews were murdered at 3 and 5 years old, i didn't get it. But i also don't get it when good things happen. I don't deserve any of the blessings bestowed on me and my family. None of us really do. When my husband survived a 14 hour surgery for a brain AVM located smack in the middle of his brain, without any paralysis or other neurological issues, i was thankful, grateful, but i didn't get it. They had prepared us for the worst- and we got the best. When i not only conceived, but carried my son full term and birthed a healthy and beautiful boy after i was told because of the scarring from years of childhood sexual abuse that i would never be able to conceive nor carry a child, i didn't get it. But you can understand that while i didn't get it i was on my knees thanking God above. Because while i don't get it, i know, with all of my knowing that HE has a plan.
He alone is the Author and Finisher of our faith. He knows our end from the beginning and He has a plan for our lives. At times like these, and those i mentioned above, it is hard to wrap your mind around "the plan"; that is when faith has to come in. Without faith, the sadness would be unbearable and without faith, there would be no hope.
Still,I know some people who have no faith. Who deny the very God who created them. It saddens me to no end for them. I watch their lives unfold like a piece of paper; flat and without the fullness of God's grace. I love them, and i pray for them, but i don't understand them and their choices. I guess i just "don't get it". Because that too is a matter of life and death.
On the night she was born, miraculously alive given the circumstances, another family in another place was losing their dad. Another sister called to ask for prayer about a friend of hers. They had taken an impromptu trip to The Brazos River and were swimming when the nine year old son began to be pulled under the water. His friend jumped in to help him and soon went down as well. The father jumped in also and saved the boys but was swept away. They found his body many hours later.
Life and death, one coming into this world against all odds given the circumstances, and another leaving though he was a fine man, husband and father.
I just don't have words sometimes to make sense of it all- and that i guess is where faith enters the equation. While i don't understand, while i don't "get it", i know God does.
When my mom died after a year of battling cancer, and a year of constant prayer by me, my sisiters and my church family, i didn't get it. I comforted myself that she was healed in heaven, but i wanted her healed here! The lady with cancer at church that we prayerd for was healed; why her and not my mom? I just didn't get it and i still don't.
When my brother died at 25 years old, i didn't get it. When my nephews were murdered at 3 and 5 years old, i didn't get it. But i also don't get it when good things happen. I don't deserve any of the blessings bestowed on me and my family. None of us really do. When my husband survived a 14 hour surgery for a brain AVM located smack in the middle of his brain, without any paralysis or other neurological issues, i was thankful, grateful, but i didn't get it. They had prepared us for the worst- and we got the best. When i not only conceived, but carried my son full term and birthed a healthy and beautiful boy after i was told because of the scarring from years of childhood sexual abuse that i would never be able to conceive nor carry a child, i didn't get it. But you can understand that while i didn't get it i was on my knees thanking God above. Because while i don't get it, i know, with all of my knowing that HE has a plan.
He alone is the Author and Finisher of our faith. He knows our end from the beginning and He has a plan for our lives. At times like these, and those i mentioned above, it is hard to wrap your mind around "the plan"; that is when faith has to come in. Without faith, the sadness would be unbearable and without faith, there would be no hope.
Still,I know some people who have no faith. Who deny the very God who created them. It saddens me to no end for them. I watch their lives unfold like a piece of paper; flat and without the fullness of God's grace. I love them, and i pray for them, but i don't understand them and their choices. I guess i just "don't get it". Because that too is a matter of life and death.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Where have all the words gone?
I've been contemplating this passion i have for the written word. I've been contemplating, and reading, and fantasizing; i've been doing every "writerly" thing except actually writing and i'm left with the nagging question of "why?".
This morning at 3am i woke with a fabulous idea for a story that quickly vaporized when my feet hit the floor. Where do the words go? Where do the words go when i sit to write, or when i reach for my bedside pen and paper? Sometimes i fancy they have gone to the beach, or a mountain's peak, closer to God than i can get from my 15 acres. I feel them and God more at the beach, but i suppose if i lived at the beach, i would imagine the words in the middle of 15 acres of grass and trees and kittens.
As i wondered this morning it came to me that i have a great deal of trouble writing about my life. If i write about my childhood, will i hurt someones feelings? What if i remember things wrong, or remember the wrong things? Will i wake a sleeping monster from my past and invite it into my present? Will i offend someone living or dead? And really, who cares? How is my life, my history, my experience good or bad noteworthy to an innocent bystander who's eye happens to fall upon my page? Who would read about my traumas and the passage of my time? How do i make a past that was hardly livable at times readable, or worthy of reading now?
I suppose that is a question we all face in one way or another. "Do i matter, and if so how and to whom?"
Maybe i'll place a moratorium on the contemplating, and reading and fantasizing about writing. Instead, maybe i'll use that time to write. Maybe the answers will come then. Maybe i'll find their hiding place, those illusive words. Maybe.
This morning at 3am i woke with a fabulous idea for a story that quickly vaporized when my feet hit the floor. Where do the words go? Where do the words go when i sit to write, or when i reach for my bedside pen and paper? Sometimes i fancy they have gone to the beach, or a mountain's peak, closer to God than i can get from my 15 acres. I feel them and God more at the beach, but i suppose if i lived at the beach, i would imagine the words in the middle of 15 acres of grass and trees and kittens.
As i wondered this morning it came to me that i have a great deal of trouble writing about my life. If i write about my childhood, will i hurt someones feelings? What if i remember things wrong, or remember the wrong things? Will i wake a sleeping monster from my past and invite it into my present? Will i offend someone living or dead? And really, who cares? How is my life, my history, my experience good or bad noteworthy to an innocent bystander who's eye happens to fall upon my page? Who would read about my traumas and the passage of my time? How do i make a past that was hardly livable at times readable, or worthy of reading now?
I suppose that is a question we all face in one way or another. "Do i matter, and if so how and to whom?"
Maybe i'll place a moratorium on the contemplating, and reading and fantasizing about writing. Instead, maybe i'll use that time to write. Maybe the answers will come then. Maybe i'll find their hiding place, those illusive words. Maybe.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
My testimony- I have a Purpose
This past week i saw someone hurting. I wanted to run to this woman/child and put my arms around her and save her from the pain. I realized that i couldn't. Not only because she would not receive it, but also because pain that deep needs a healing that only God can offer. So, i left a note on her car and told her God loves her. I know, i know, some will think i have overstepped my bounds and perhaps they are right but i had to do something and this is what i felt i should do; share God's love with her in the only way i could.
We all see so much pain these days because of the availability of it in the media. It seems that it is even celebrated in movies, songs, the news and elsewhere, so much so that we have nearly become immune to it. I do not want to be immune to it. I want to stop it. Oh i know i can't. pain is a part of this world until Jesus returns but the bible says in Revelation 12:11 that we overcome the enemy by the Blood of The Lamb and the word of our testimony. So, here is my testimony. Perhaps someone will happen upon it who will read it and call on Jesus because of it. I can only pray it is so.
I know that I have a purpose. After all this time, I finally know that I have always had a purpose. I know this because God's word says so. In Psalm 139, verse 16 I found that “[God] saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in [His] book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” God knew all about me. He knew the mistakes I would make, the character flaws I would have, the lives I would touch, the pain I would endure. And He created me for such a time as this because my purpose however great or small is a part of His plan.
I have been raped, abused, molested, beaten, homeless, hungry, rich, poor, and abandoned. I have been a stepchild, a foster child, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I have been promiscuous, worldly, and vain. I have done things that I wish I had not done. I have not done things that I know should have. I have been a gossip, a liar, a cheat, a thief. I have been drunk, high, and I’ve been both very good and very bad. I am telling you all of this because what I have learned is that there is no forgiveness without repentance, we cannot change what we will not acknowledge, and that without a test there is no testimony.
On October 27, 1993, which was the day my divorce was final, I gave my life over to Jesus. It was rainy, cold, and I felt more alone than I’d ever felt in my entire life. There were times when I was younger my mom would just kind of abandon us, and leave us for weeks so I've known loneliness and this was the loneliest time I’d ever known in my life. I was reading a book called Search for Significance. I had hoped to learn how to be good enough for God to love. I’d been contemplating getting closer to God, listening to Christian music and watching “Christian programming”. I do not remember a time that I didn’t know something about God, something about Jesus, but on this night in October, sitting on my front porch, feeling more alone than I ever had in my life, I met God. I cried out “Jesus, if you’re really there please come and save me. Change my heart and change my life because I can’t do this alone. I can't go on like this.” I felt the most enormous love that I’d ever felt in my entire life, ever. I didn't expect that feeling because I'd always seen God as some great task master in the sky that was counting my mistakes, keeping a tally of them and punishing me for them. When I did anything wrong I expected to be punished. I felt for years that I deserved the abuses heaped upon me by the adults in my life. For even the smallest amount of wrong, I felt that I should be punished severely and that God was watching to make sure that happened. Consequently, I felt that there was nothing in me that was good. Not one thing that was inherently good and so how could God love me. To call out to God and have him love me and not completely dissolve me where I sat; that was huge to me. It was more than I could fathom really. But, I felt this love. And even though it may sound silly to some, it was as if there was a physical presence right there with me on that cold front porch. I felt His warmth around me, His loving presence telling me I wasn't alone. He did love me and would never leave me. I didn't understand it, but I accepted it finally because I needed it so badly. I needed to know His love and looking back I realize I needed to know that love so that I could begin to know I mattered simply because I existed and not based on the events or circumstances in my life.
That moment became my birthday. I did not suddenly become wise or even suddenly reconcile the hurt from my past to the promise of my future. However, I knew without any doubt that God loved me exactly as I was. Moreover, I came to know that God had a purpose for me, that all the days that came before, and that all the days to come were a part of that purpose.
So, on that October night when I accepted Jesus, I began this beautiful journey with my savior that has been and remains so amazing and personal and unique. I am thankful now for all of those things that I have been through. Those things that made me think at one time, “how could a loving God allow these things to happen to children, to anyone that he loves?” Perhaps that’s why I felt so unlovable for so long. I mean, if mom couldn’t protect me and God wouldn’t protect me, then I assumed I must be really unlovable. And now I look back and I say thank you God. Thank you for the lessons that I learned. If I hadn't been through these circumstances I may not know how to accept what is while hoping for what may be. Because I was hungry, a meal of peanut butter and jelly tastes like manna from heaven. Because of the abuses, a tender touch, an innocent hug is beautiful. I’m thankful for the things that happened to me, and I haven’t always been. Everyday I’m a little more thankful and I can accept the things that some people may not be able to accept because there was a time when I expected so little. I expected that the best home I would ever have was a shack, expected that I would always be hurt. I don’t expect these things anymore, because I know finally that I'm a daughter of the king. So I can accept little when little is what I have but I can accept blessings as they come. I now know that they will come when I need them. When I accept His blessings and His hope, that is when my life becomes exactly what it needs to be.
So I offer this to you with a purpose; not to celebrate the former things, but instead to celebrate the beauty that God offers; the beauty that can come when we allow Him to make good those things that were meant for evil. I believe that if I do not concern myself with how great or small my purpose is, but instead simply go about living it, then I will accomplish that which I've been made to do. I know God has a purpose for me and for you as well, because in Jeremiah 29:11 He tells me so. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says The Lord, “plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
In acknowledging this I can finally be free from these chains that have kept me bound and ineffective. Some of them were placed on me by others but some, and the hardest ones to break are the ones that I have placed on myself. So to God be the glory- He deserves it all and more.
We all see so much pain these days because of the availability of it in the media. It seems that it is even celebrated in movies, songs, the news and elsewhere, so much so that we have nearly become immune to it. I do not want to be immune to it. I want to stop it. Oh i know i can't. pain is a part of this world until Jesus returns but the bible says in Revelation 12:11 that we overcome the enemy by the Blood of The Lamb and the word of our testimony. So, here is my testimony. Perhaps someone will happen upon it who will read it and call on Jesus because of it. I can only pray it is so.
I know that I have a purpose. After all this time, I finally know that I have always had a purpose. I know this because God's word says so. In Psalm 139, verse 16 I found that “[God] saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in [His] book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” God knew all about me. He knew the mistakes I would make, the character flaws I would have, the lives I would touch, the pain I would endure. And He created me for such a time as this because my purpose however great or small is a part of His plan.
I have been raped, abused, molested, beaten, homeless, hungry, rich, poor, and abandoned. I have been a stepchild, a foster child, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I have been promiscuous, worldly, and vain. I have done things that I wish I had not done. I have not done things that I know should have. I have been a gossip, a liar, a cheat, a thief. I have been drunk, high, and I’ve been both very good and very bad. I am telling you all of this because what I have learned is that there is no forgiveness without repentance, we cannot change what we will not acknowledge, and that without a test there is no testimony.
On October 27, 1993, which was the day my divorce was final, I gave my life over to Jesus. It was rainy, cold, and I felt more alone than I’d ever felt in my entire life. There were times when I was younger my mom would just kind of abandon us, and leave us for weeks so I've known loneliness and this was the loneliest time I’d ever known in my life. I was reading a book called Search for Significance. I had hoped to learn how to be good enough for God to love. I’d been contemplating getting closer to God, listening to Christian music and watching “Christian programming”. I do not remember a time that I didn’t know something about God, something about Jesus, but on this night in October, sitting on my front porch, feeling more alone than I ever had in my life, I met God. I cried out “Jesus, if you’re really there please come and save me. Change my heart and change my life because I can’t do this alone. I can't go on like this.” I felt the most enormous love that I’d ever felt in my entire life, ever. I didn't expect that feeling because I'd always seen God as some great task master in the sky that was counting my mistakes, keeping a tally of them and punishing me for them. When I did anything wrong I expected to be punished. I felt for years that I deserved the abuses heaped upon me by the adults in my life. For even the smallest amount of wrong, I felt that I should be punished severely and that God was watching to make sure that happened. Consequently, I felt that there was nothing in me that was good. Not one thing that was inherently good and so how could God love me. To call out to God and have him love me and not completely dissolve me where I sat; that was huge to me. It was more than I could fathom really. But, I felt this love. And even though it may sound silly to some, it was as if there was a physical presence right there with me on that cold front porch. I felt His warmth around me, His loving presence telling me I wasn't alone. He did love me and would never leave me. I didn't understand it, but I accepted it finally because I needed it so badly. I needed to know His love and looking back I realize I needed to know that love so that I could begin to know I mattered simply because I existed and not based on the events or circumstances in my life.
That moment became my birthday. I did not suddenly become wise or even suddenly reconcile the hurt from my past to the promise of my future. However, I knew without any doubt that God loved me exactly as I was. Moreover, I came to know that God had a purpose for me, that all the days that came before, and that all the days to come were a part of that purpose.
So, on that October night when I accepted Jesus, I began this beautiful journey with my savior that has been and remains so amazing and personal and unique. I am thankful now for all of those things that I have been through. Those things that made me think at one time, “how could a loving God allow these things to happen to children, to anyone that he loves?” Perhaps that’s why I felt so unlovable for so long. I mean, if mom couldn’t protect me and God wouldn’t protect me, then I assumed I must be really unlovable. And now I look back and I say thank you God. Thank you for the lessons that I learned. If I hadn't been through these circumstances I may not know how to accept what is while hoping for what may be. Because I was hungry, a meal of peanut butter and jelly tastes like manna from heaven. Because of the abuses, a tender touch, an innocent hug is beautiful. I’m thankful for the things that happened to me, and I haven’t always been. Everyday I’m a little more thankful and I can accept the things that some people may not be able to accept because there was a time when I expected so little. I expected that the best home I would ever have was a shack, expected that I would always be hurt. I don’t expect these things anymore, because I know finally that I'm a daughter of the king. So I can accept little when little is what I have but I can accept blessings as they come. I now know that they will come when I need them. When I accept His blessings and His hope, that is when my life becomes exactly what it needs to be.
So I offer this to you with a purpose; not to celebrate the former things, but instead to celebrate the beauty that God offers; the beauty that can come when we allow Him to make good those things that were meant for evil. I believe that if I do not concern myself with how great or small my purpose is, but instead simply go about living it, then I will accomplish that which I've been made to do. I know God has a purpose for me and for you as well, because in Jeremiah 29:11 He tells me so. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says The Lord, “plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
In acknowledging this I can finally be free from these chains that have kept me bound and ineffective. Some of them were placed on me by others but some, and the hardest ones to break are the ones that I have placed on myself. So to God be the glory- He deserves it all and more.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
These Dreams
I always loved the song These Dreams by Heart. Ohh, i'm showing my age here i guess. I believe God speaks to many of us in dreams, not everyone of course, we all have different giftings and such, but definately some of us. I am among those whose dreams sometimes have a more prophetic tone, sometimes a foretelling of sorts and sometimes they are to teach. I have had one such dream recently- night before last to be exact. It still has me a bit shaken/wondering.
So- here is what i wrote upon waking-
I just woke from a terrible dream. At least the end was a terrible ending. But also a lesson. I know that distinctly. I was in a train station, a huge one like grand central station and i was with Shelby and Haley. There were sooooo many people around and I was so frustrated. The girls weren’t listening and every thing was costing more than I thought it should . we passed a wall of lockers, the ones you put the quarters in and turn the keys to a certain number and the key comes out and you take the key with you. The last number was 10. that I’m sure of . I think the first two were a 6 and a 4 but that is not certain. i was trying to figure out how to "beat the system" and get to use the lockers for free or for less than the full price. We had been on a trip or something. Anyway, we’re at this train station, bus or subway or something. I’m trying to get a ride to my mom’s old house in ft worth. The foot traffic is horrible. Anyway, the girls won’t stay with me and I have all this baggage that I’m trying to carry; it was like a coat of baggage and the baggage was all over me just hanging off. Finally I tell Shelby and Haley to go and sit down while I try to get the tickets. The ticket guy is very effeminate, very flippant and doesn’t seem to care about my plight. I mean I am heavy laden with bags, as if I were wearing a coat made of baggage. I tell him where I am going and he says there are no busses going there. I try to remember the streets around it and have to move out of line and then when I get back there I remember and tell him near Ridgemar Mall and he says the price and I say I don’t have that much and he says too bad that’s what it costs so I move away from the window again and look in my wallet and I see that I do have enough but then no more and so I go back to the window but instead of giving him all the money I have I haggle over the price. Then I get mad because he won’t come down on the price. Then I get rude because he isn’t helpful. He asks do I want the tickets or not and that it is almost too late and finally I give him the money, again, rudely , and he throws the tickets at me and I run for the train. Down the escalator I think and then I see the girls, Shelby and Haley, they are on the train and I’m trying to get there and it seems the train platform is moving further away. As the doors close I start to scream noooooooooooo, and though there is hardly anyone on the platform, they are in my way and I’m trying so hard to get there screaming, knowing people are thinking to themselves, "geeeze it’s just a bus, catch the next one", but they don’t know that my girls are on there. And I don’t make it. The bus pulls away and my girls are on it and there is nothing I can do about it. I cry and cry and I hear a voice , as clearly as if they were next to me say, "if you had dropped your baggage, or you weights, you could have reached them in time". And then it occurred to me that I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out how to beat the locker system and get to use it for free, and that I wasted an enormous amount of time at the ticket window haggling instead of just paying the cost.
I know there was more at the beginning but I can only remember bits and not even clearly enough to articulate it.
Immediately upon waking, I knew that this was a telling dream, although what exactly I’m not sure. One thing is about the baggage; it had me weighed down and I couldn’t get where I needed to go. I could have so easily just taken it off, and here I felt the scripture about “casting off the sin that so easily besets you” (Heb 12:1)so vividly I cried again. I had to thank God right away when I woke, because as much as the dream scared me, at losing my girls, I also feel it was a learning dream. Something meant to teach me before it is too late. I pray He will reveal the answer quickly. I also thought it might be referring to my actual physical weight and how it effects my relationship with the girls, not sure which is correct but both are possible. Another thing about the dream is that when we first got there the train/bus was close to the ticket window. I just realized that. By the end of the dream it was so far I had to run to catch it.
Another thing that was evident right away was that I haggled about the cost even though I had the exact amount right there in my wallet. It would have cost me everything, but I would have made it. Of course, it never occurred to me that the girls were on the train/bus. In fact, I was so caught up in my diatribe about how rude the ticket guy was and how ridiculous the prices were, that I never even thought of them – at all - after I told them to sit down, until I was trying to get to the train/bus and realized they were on it, without me. How scary, and profound. And scary. Still, after I quit screaming, which was when I woke up, literally screaming "no no no", I had an immediate peace that the girls were going to be okay. The dream wasn’t about the girls being lost. They were going to get where they needed to be. I knew the dream was more about me and my sin than them and theirs (not behaving). The "set aside those things that so easily beset you" scripture came to my waking mind immediately again. And I had to thank God for loving me so much He would choose to show me before it is too late. I just pray I receive what was sent and change accordingly.
I had my tickets, I could have ridden then next bus, but it wouldn’t end up in the same place. And my girls were alone on the bus/train. There was nothing to be done about it. I was reasoning that I could call someone to meet them at their stop and I could go yell at the ticket guy when I woke. Until the peace that they would be okay came to me. Of course, I kept thinking about how they could be violated on the trip, but I don’t think that was the message. The whole thing is still a little disconcerting. I want to blog about it, to go online and check my email and check out the ACTS forum but I think I need to mull this over a while and so I’m going to go work in the garden and see if I can hear more from my Lord. I know the dream was from Him. There’s a difference in regular dreams and telling dreams and prophecy dreams. A huge difference in how they feel and look and sound. This was a telling dream. I just hope I heard the right thing. God help me. Help me to change please, to be less demanding, to shed the baggage that I don’t need anymore or maybe never did. To quit focusing on other peoples flaws and start to focus on and fix my own. Please help me. I want to “cast of the weights that so easily beset me". And I know I can’t do it without You. - 6:30 am Monday June 2, 2008
So- htere it is- this is what i woke up and wrote yesterday morning. The dream is still so vivid in my mind i cana see and smell the station and hear the crowd. i can feel the weight if it let myself but i am trying very hard to let it go and learn.
If anyone has any helpful comments, please do-
Peace
So- here is what i wrote upon waking-
I just woke from a terrible dream. At least the end was a terrible ending. But also a lesson. I know that distinctly. I was in a train station, a huge one like grand central station and i was with Shelby and Haley. There were sooooo many people around and I was so frustrated. The girls weren’t listening and every thing was costing more than I thought it should . we passed a wall of lockers, the ones you put the quarters in and turn the keys to a certain number and the key comes out and you take the key with you. The last number was 10. that I’m sure of . I think the first two were a 6 and a 4 but that is not certain. i was trying to figure out how to "beat the system" and get to use the lockers for free or for less than the full price. We had been on a trip or something. Anyway, we’re at this train station, bus or subway or something. I’m trying to get a ride to my mom’s old house in ft worth. The foot traffic is horrible. Anyway, the girls won’t stay with me and I have all this baggage that I’m trying to carry; it was like a coat of baggage and the baggage was all over me just hanging off. Finally I tell Shelby and Haley to go and sit down while I try to get the tickets. The ticket guy is very effeminate, very flippant and doesn’t seem to care about my plight. I mean I am heavy laden with bags, as if I were wearing a coat made of baggage. I tell him where I am going and he says there are no busses going there. I try to remember the streets around it and have to move out of line and then when I get back there I remember and tell him near Ridgemar Mall and he says the price and I say I don’t have that much and he says too bad that’s what it costs so I move away from the window again and look in my wallet and I see that I do have enough but then no more and so I go back to the window but instead of giving him all the money I have I haggle over the price. Then I get mad because he won’t come down on the price. Then I get rude because he isn’t helpful. He asks do I want the tickets or not and that it is almost too late and finally I give him the money, again, rudely , and he throws the tickets at me and I run for the train. Down the escalator I think and then I see the girls, Shelby and Haley, they are on the train and I’m trying to get there and it seems the train platform is moving further away. As the doors close I start to scream noooooooooooo, and though there is hardly anyone on the platform, they are in my way and I’m trying so hard to get there screaming, knowing people are thinking to themselves, "geeeze it’s just a bus, catch the next one", but they don’t know that my girls are on there. And I don’t make it. The bus pulls away and my girls are on it and there is nothing I can do about it. I cry and cry and I hear a voice , as clearly as if they were next to me say, "if you had dropped your baggage, or you weights, you could have reached them in time". And then it occurred to me that I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out how to beat the locker system and get to use it for free, and that I wasted an enormous amount of time at the ticket window haggling instead of just paying the cost.
I know there was more at the beginning but I can only remember bits and not even clearly enough to articulate it.
Immediately upon waking, I knew that this was a telling dream, although what exactly I’m not sure. One thing is about the baggage; it had me weighed down and I couldn’t get where I needed to go. I could have so easily just taken it off, and here I felt the scripture about “casting off the sin that so easily besets you” (Heb 12:1)so vividly I cried again. I had to thank God right away when I woke, because as much as the dream scared me, at losing my girls, I also feel it was a learning dream. Something meant to teach me before it is too late. I pray He will reveal the answer quickly. I also thought it might be referring to my actual physical weight and how it effects my relationship with the girls, not sure which is correct but both are possible. Another thing about the dream is that when we first got there the train/bus was close to the ticket window. I just realized that. By the end of the dream it was so far I had to run to catch it.
Another thing that was evident right away was that I haggled about the cost even though I had the exact amount right there in my wallet. It would have cost me everything, but I would have made it. Of course, it never occurred to me that the girls were on the train/bus. In fact, I was so caught up in my diatribe about how rude the ticket guy was and how ridiculous the prices were, that I never even thought of them – at all - after I told them to sit down, until I was trying to get to the train/bus and realized they were on it, without me. How scary, and profound. And scary. Still, after I quit screaming, which was when I woke up, literally screaming "no no no", I had an immediate peace that the girls were going to be okay. The dream wasn’t about the girls being lost. They were going to get where they needed to be. I knew the dream was more about me and my sin than them and theirs (not behaving). The "set aside those things that so easily beset you" scripture came to my waking mind immediately again. And I had to thank God for loving me so much He would choose to show me before it is too late. I just pray I receive what was sent and change accordingly.
I had my tickets, I could have ridden then next bus, but it wouldn’t end up in the same place. And my girls were alone on the bus/train. There was nothing to be done about it. I was reasoning that I could call someone to meet them at their stop and I could go yell at the ticket guy when I woke. Until the peace that they would be okay came to me. Of course, I kept thinking about how they could be violated on the trip, but I don’t think that was the message. The whole thing is still a little disconcerting. I want to blog about it, to go online and check my email and check out the ACTS forum but I think I need to mull this over a while and so I’m going to go work in the garden and see if I can hear more from my Lord. I know the dream was from Him. There’s a difference in regular dreams and telling dreams and prophecy dreams. A huge difference in how they feel and look and sound. This was a telling dream. I just hope I heard the right thing. God help me. Help me to change please, to be less demanding, to shed the baggage that I don’t need anymore or maybe never did. To quit focusing on other peoples flaws and start to focus on and fix my own. Please help me. I want to “cast of the weights that so easily beset me". And I know I can’t do it without You. - 6:30 am Monday June 2, 2008
So- htere it is- this is what i woke up and wrote yesterday morning. The dream is still so vivid in my mind i cana see and smell the station and hear the crowd. i can feel the weight if it let myself but i am trying very hard to let it go and learn.
If anyone has any helpful comments, please do-
Peace
Saturday, May 31, 2008
What is this world coming to?
I went to my nephew's high school graduation on friday evening. At this graduation ceremony i heard more scripture than i have heard lately, including church. imagine, a public high school having speeches that amounted to sermons at a graduation ceremony, and i say BRAVO!!!!! what a courageous group of young people to buck a system that tries to tell them they can't include something as integral to their personhood as their religion in a ceremony as important as their graduation. these young people were eloquent, well spoken and well read, using quotes from the bible, historical figures and noted authors, and unashamedly worshipped God in their speeches. Their parents deserve compliments for a job well done and even thanks from a society who will be the recipients of their leadership and contributions. So, what is the world coming to? i don't know, but i know how "The Book" ends. In the mean time, i'm thankful that there are still young men and women willing to share their faith with conviction and strength. May God bless and keep them and give them bright futures.
Friday, May 30, 2008
A Confession of sorts
it is already 8:25am. I have been awake, off and on, since 3:30 this morning. That is nearly 5 hours of waste. I'm ashamed. I have so much work to do and i wasted, flagrantly, five precious hours that God, in His infinite mercy, chose to give me. And i will never get it back.
That is shameful to me and that, along with my "reminder from God" this morning is what has prompted this "confession of sorts". My reminder from God said "Empty your vessels quickly. So much retained by you so much less will be gained from Me." Did you get that? "quickly" He says. And yes, i realize that it isn't God almighty sending the reminders but i also believe that He is in control of what comes before me. The devotionals i receive, the reminders i receive, the daily readings i do; they all have a message for such a time as this, no matter what the time or circumstance. and yes, i know that that is due in part to my belief and reception, but i digress.
My confession is this, if it isn't already glaringly obvious: I'm A Procrastinator!
Oh i hate it!! I have battled with this in my personal life for as long as i can remember. When i lament of this to my husband and close friends, they don't get the importance of this to me. They think i'm being too hard on myself and maybe even a little silly. "Just do it then" they'll say. Only, it isn't that simple for me and i can't figure out why. I don't even really care why, i just want to stop doing this. The reason it bothers me so much is that i know that our time is the one thing we can't get back once it is gone. We can get and lose fortunes, we can have and lose love and still have the memories and loving feelings, but once time is gone- it is gone. and with that knowledge, i wasted five precious hours this morning. and guess what i still have? more than five hours of writing, administrative tasks and other personal tasks. uuuggghhhh!
The thing that really gets me is that i actually WANT TO DO THESE THINGS! It isn't just writers block, because i have so many ideas that i can't sleep most nights. It isn't that i don't think these projects are worthy; some of them are several writing projects including a novel, creating a summer schedule for my girls and me, getting our Second Chances Farm story and photos together for our Barn Raising on June 14, finishing one dear daughters 4H record book, and finishing the data entry project for the Relay for Life. All very worthy of my time. All very necessary in my life. All, still here in various stages of completion- or unaccomplished- as it were.
So- what do i do with this? Because now i find myself with no time left- as deadlines are once again looming (and one is past)- and a mountain of stuff to do. This, for me, equals OVERWHELMED!
I can't wait till my office is finished so i can lock myself away when i need to work. when i want to work. when the ideas are louder than my dreams and wake me with a jolt, then hold me in the bed with a vice like grip. I hope many come to our Barn Raising and God blesses this day in ways even i cannot imagine. Then, maybe then, i will have my writing space and thus end this vile shortcoming in my character. I only pray that somehow, God will see fit to redeem the time i've wasted and use it for His Glory.
That is shameful to me and that, along with my "reminder from God" this morning is what has prompted this "confession of sorts". My reminder from God said "Empty your vessels quickly. So much retained by you so much less will be gained from Me." Did you get that? "quickly" He says. And yes, i realize that it isn't God almighty sending the reminders but i also believe that He is in control of what comes before me. The devotionals i receive, the reminders i receive, the daily readings i do; they all have a message for such a time as this, no matter what the time or circumstance. and yes, i know that that is due in part to my belief and reception, but i digress.
My confession is this, if it isn't already glaringly obvious: I'm A Procrastinator!
Oh i hate it!! I have battled with this in my personal life for as long as i can remember. When i lament of this to my husband and close friends, they don't get the importance of this to me. They think i'm being too hard on myself and maybe even a little silly. "Just do it then" they'll say. Only, it isn't that simple for me and i can't figure out why. I don't even really care why, i just want to stop doing this. The reason it bothers me so much is that i know that our time is the one thing we can't get back once it is gone. We can get and lose fortunes, we can have and lose love and still have the memories and loving feelings, but once time is gone- it is gone. and with that knowledge, i wasted five precious hours this morning. and guess what i still have? more than five hours of writing, administrative tasks and other personal tasks. uuuggghhhh!
The thing that really gets me is that i actually WANT TO DO THESE THINGS! It isn't just writers block, because i have so many ideas that i can't sleep most nights. It isn't that i don't think these projects are worthy; some of them are several writing projects including a novel, creating a summer schedule for my girls and me, getting our Second Chances Farm story and photos together for our Barn Raising on June 14, finishing one dear daughters 4H record book, and finishing the data entry project for the Relay for Life. All very worthy of my time. All very necessary in my life. All, still here in various stages of completion- or unaccomplished- as it were.
So- what do i do with this? Because now i find myself with no time left- as deadlines are once again looming (and one is past)- and a mountain of stuff to do. This, for me, equals OVERWHELMED!
I can't wait till my office is finished so i can lock myself away when i need to work. when i want to work. when the ideas are louder than my dreams and wake me with a jolt, then hold me in the bed with a vice like grip. I hope many come to our Barn Raising and God blesses this day in ways even i cannot imagine. Then, maybe then, i will have my writing space and thus end this vile shortcoming in my character. I only pray that somehow, God will see fit to redeem the time i've wasted and use it for His Glory.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Midday Musings
The movie Sex and The City comes out tomorrow night and i have a confession; i want to go see it. Eeeek/ Gasp/ Oh the horror. I know. I know. I'm not supposed to like that show because it is about sex; unmarried, wild and wanton. But the thing that i like about the show, (and i have to admit here, i didn't watch it on HBO because i didn't have HBO when the series was on, i have only seen it on late night re-runs) is the friendship between the women. I enjoy so much their honesty with one another, their forgiveness of one anther's sins, their strengths and their weaknesses. I enjoy the way they stand up for one another and even for themselves. The only thing i don't like about the show is the sex, and really, isn't that a small thing? Okay, it isn't a small thing because The Bible warns against immorality, and promiscuity is immoral. That is why i won't go see the movie. But i wish that i could because i would love to see Carrie Bradshaw live happily ever after. If only they could make a show about my homeschooling friends. They are funny and lively and are easy to relate to. They have the banter, the reality, the silliness. I'll bet in some circles it would sell well and we wouldn't have to wash our conscience out with soap after watching it. But what sort of title would it have? Hmmmmm- something to ponder till next time.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
What to Say?
Oh what to say as a blogger. This is such a new thing to me that i find myself hesitant to say anything. I suppose that was one of the reasons for jumping into this; facing my fear of publishing rejection.
Since nothing note worthy happened in my little world today, I have decided to post something i wrote a few months ago because it proves to be more true as time passes.
This Writing Thing- by Andora Henson
There’s more to this writing thing
Than getting the words on paper
It is being vulnerable and naked before an unknown host is scary
being open to attack
Everyone has an opinion
There’s more to this writing thing than selling a piece.
There’s the sense of loss that accompanies the sending off of the manuscript
Like the loss you feel at that last push of birth.
The child is no longer your own-
The bond is broken
Or at the very least, changed
This writing thing begins long before the words hit the paper
Before the ink and the blood spills
The conception is much more involved and lasts longer too.
There’s more to this writing thing than words.
Okay- so it isn't Keats or Browning, but there it is anyway.
Peace- A
Since nothing note worthy happened in my little world today, I have decided to post something i wrote a few months ago because it proves to be more true as time passes.
This Writing Thing- by Andora Henson
There’s more to this writing thing
Than getting the words on paper
It is being vulnerable and naked before an unknown host is scary
being open to attack
Everyone has an opinion
There’s more to this writing thing than selling a piece.
There’s the sense of loss that accompanies the sending off of the manuscript
Like the loss you feel at that last push of birth.
The child is no longer your own-
The bond is broken
Or at the very least, changed
This writing thing begins long before the words hit the paper
Before the ink and the blood spills
The conception is much more involved and lasts longer too.
There’s more to this writing thing than words.
Okay- so it isn't Keats or Browning, but there it is anyway.
Peace- A
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