The Night The Lights Went Out in Eustace

Last night at around 9pm the lights went out. The whole town was dark for as far as i could tell. We live in a small rural town and there are few lights anyway, but when the lights go out everywhere there is a darkness that is almost overwhelming. I was awake, watching the news and ironing my husbands pants, when the electricity went out. I quickly got a flashlight, located some candles and a second battery powered lantern. Next i called the electric company to report the outage. I went about these tasks making very little noise, and far less than the television had been making, but still the silence and the heat woke my husband who is an otherwise very sound sleeper. "Why is it so hot in here?" he wondered. "The power is out. Won't be on till at least one a.m." He grumbled, and went back to sleep. As i lay there i wondered at the sheer blackness of the room. I raised my leg. Normally you can see in a dark room when your eyes adjust; last night, there was nothing there. I raised my hand to just in front of my face; nothing. It was eery. I was not surprised when my daughter called from her room. "Mom, why is it so dark? I asked her what woke her and she said, "the dark did." How can silence, and darkness wake someone? Aren't they necessary for sleep? But i knew what she meant; this darkness was different. It had presence and thickness. The silence had hands. It made me think about how comfortable we have become with the electricity, with the air conditioner, with the comforts of home and life in the 21st century. Could we make it if there were a sustained power outage? Are we prepared for a disaster of any kind, much less biblical proportions? And how do we prepare? This darkness was so bad because it was widespread: when it is just our lights out there is still light elsewhere we can go to.
The questions raised by this 3 and a half hour change of pace have varied from personal to political to faith to physical. So many questions, and only One has the answers.
We ended up outside on the trampoline because it was cooler outside and it was actually brighter since the moon was big and bright and comforting. The crickets and cicadas and bull frogs supplied all the customary noise and after the novelty of sleeping outside under the stars wore off, we were all about to go to sleep when : THE LIGHTS CAME BACK ON!
It was like a shock of sorts. I had actually drifted off and found the lights and television and fans and air conditioners an intrusion of sorts. But only for a moment. I was happy to jump back into the king under the a/c and drift off.

But the questions remain. I hope the answers find me soon.

a conclusion and a lesson

Today I jumped to a conclusion, and learned a lesson.

I was looking for some gum that I had bought and put in my purse. It wasn’t there. I looked all over; in my purse, in the car, on my desk. I couldn’t find it anywhere. So I jumped to the conclusion that one of the kids took it from my purse. It was logical; they love gum, the gum was gone, so they must have taken it. So, I asked them. They all denied it. I spent hours being upset with my kids for not telling me who took the gum. I was hurt more than anything; hurt that they would steal from me.

Later, I was looking for something else, and low and behold I found the gum. I felt lower than an ant’s belly. How could I have accused my children? I called my them right away and apologized and asked their forgiveness. Of course, they gave it without malice because they are great kids.

I asked for God’s forgiveness as I drove to the grocery store. My pride was hurt and as I parked the car I tasted the humble pie I’d just eaten. Then a question hit my heart like an arrow piercing a bulls-eye: when we don't tithe does God feel the same hurt that I had earlier?

I mean, God is our Father, and while He doesn’t need the money, it is all His. I didn’t need the gum, but I was hurt when I thought my children had stolen from me. The bible says that when we don’t tithe we are robbing God, so He must feel hurt by our continued stealing from him when we don’t tithe the whole tithe.

Ouch. I asked God's forgiveness, and He gave it. He gave it because of The Blood and because He is a perfect God and a perfect Father.

I know i'll never be a perfect mother, and i know i'll never be a perfect Christian. I'm so very thankful that in my imperfection my children and my God will always love me and forgive me. I pray that one day i will be as forgiving and loving as them. I pray that one day i will deserve such love. Until them i will continue to learn and grow and thank God for the love, the forgiveness, and the lessons.

To sleep, perchance to Dream

I'm exhausted. The pain has been quite severe lately. Last night was the worst. Tonight after hubby got home, and i fed the kids and did the laundry, i laid down to sleep. It was 7:30pm. I went straight to sleep but woke about 45 minutes later from a horrid dream: i was being buried alive. I was looking up from the grave as people threw the dirt in on top of me. I think i was even trying to reason with them that i was alive and please don't bury me. This alone would have been disheartening, but coupled with the fact that I had a smilar dream two nights ago, it was enough to keep me awake. Two nights ago i dreamt i was in a swamp. A thick, dark, gloomy swamp that i couldn't find my way out of. There were leeches, alligators, and thick slimy mud. I lived there, my home was there and though i wanted to get out i couldn't find the way out. What the heck is up? Why now? Why these dreams? I would take an excedrin pm except that i may have another bad dream and not be able to wake up. The worst part is, i'm awake and my head hurts so badly i can't think so i can't write, and it is so late i can't call anyone and my hunny is sleeping. aaarrrggghhh.

Cleaning House

Today i decluttered. For hours my girls and i threw out things from our homeschooling closet, from our craft closet, and from the stack of books and papers we just had to save from last "semester". There is still a lot left and I'm left wondering, "how do we get so much stuff and why do we insist on keeping it all?" My girls are much bigger pack-rats than i am. I admit i used to be one but after my mom died, and we had to go through all of her years of clutter, i re-evaluated everything i was storing. I guess in the six plus years since then i had forgotten the agony of that chore because i found that i was holding on to some pretty strange things. There were pens from our cruise, scratch paper in all shapes, sizes and colors, telephone numbers from friends that i haven't seen or called in over five years, and the list goes on and on. Why? Did i simply toss these things aside and forget to weed them out over the years? Had i stuffed them in these nooks and never looked back? Why did i keep the telephone numbers and not the friends? How many things and people do we toss carelessly aside and simply forget to remember them? It made me a little sad after i had cleaned the de-clutter mess and reminded me of the people i need to call.
Now, where did i put that number?