A Confession of sorts

it is already 8:25am. I have been awake, off and on, since 3:30 this morning. That is nearly 5 hours of waste. I'm ashamed. I have so much work to do and i wasted, flagrantly, five precious hours that God, in His infinite mercy, chose to give me. And i will never get it back.

That is shameful to me and that, along with my "reminder from God" this morning is what has prompted this "confession of sorts". My reminder from God said "Empty your vessels quickly. So much retained by you so much less will be gained from Me." Did you get that? "quickly" He says. And yes, i realize that it isn't God almighty sending the reminders but i also believe that He is in control of what comes before me. The devotionals i receive, the reminders i receive, the daily readings i do; they all have a message for such a time as this, no matter what the time or circumstance. and yes, i know that that is due in part to my belief and reception, but i digress.
My confession is this, if it isn't already glaringly obvious: I'm A Procrastinator!

Oh i hate it!! I have battled with this in my personal life for as long as i can remember. When i lament of this to my husband and close friends, they don't get the importance of this to me. They think i'm being too hard on myself and maybe even a little silly. "Just do it then" they'll say. Only, it isn't that simple for me and i can't figure out why. I don't even really care why, i just want to stop doing this. The reason it bothers me so much is that i know that our time is the one thing we can't get back once it is gone. We can get and lose fortunes, we can have and lose love and still have the memories and loving feelings, but once time is gone- it is gone. and with that knowledge, i wasted five precious hours this morning. and guess what i still have? more than five hours of writing, administrative tasks and other personal tasks. uuuggghhhh!

The thing that really gets me is that i actually WANT TO DO THESE THINGS! It isn't just writers block, because i have so many ideas that i can't sleep most nights. It isn't that i don't think these projects are worthy; some of them are several writing projects including a novel, creating a summer schedule for my girls and me, getting our Second Chances Farm story and photos together for our Barn Raising on June 14, finishing one dear daughters 4H record book, and finishing the data entry project for the Relay for Life. All very worthy of my time. All very necessary in my life. All, still here in various stages of completion- or unaccomplished- as it were.

So- what do i do with this? Because now i find myself with no time left- as deadlines are once again looming (and one is past)- and a mountain of stuff to do. This, for me, equals OVERWHELMED!

I can't wait till my office is finished so i can lock myself away when i need to work. when i want to work. when the ideas are louder than my dreams and wake me with a jolt, then hold me in the bed with a vice like grip. I hope many come to our Barn Raising and God blesses this day in ways even i cannot imagine. Then, maybe then, i will have my writing space and thus end this vile shortcoming in my character. I only pray that somehow, God will see fit to redeem the time i've wasted and use it for His Glory.