I began this blog in an attempt to take off my masks and encourage others to do the same. I believe I have failed. I couldn't even keep mine off, so what kind of encourager am I?
Well, I guess that I am a great encourager to others. Man, I can cheer you on all day long. But when it comes to myself- I let me down without a wink and a smile. I find that even on my worst days, I tend to keep my commitments to others- taking, doing, going, etcetera. But if I've made a commitment to me- well, everything else comes first and I give in to pain, fatigue, emotions and just dang near anything.
See, this is why I wear the masks. This is ugly stuff. I show my best self when I'm around others and I'm telling off on myself here. It's not like I lie to everyone, I just hide i guess. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being rejected, of being mean, of showing too much and looking stupid. And sometimes, it is just easier to put the masks back on so I can hide for a while. It is easier- but is it best? I don't think so.
What I want, even now in this funk that I've found myself in- is to be an authentic, spirit filled, God honoring Christian and powerful woman who makes good decisions, good plans, and follows through on them.
But all the while, I hear the whisper in my head saying, screaming, IS that even possible? That is who I want to be, but frankly, I don't think I've ever seen a person in this life who is able to be that person 24/7/365. Is it just too hard? Am i fooling myself in trying? I want to "get back on that horse and try again" but frankly, I'm wearing out. I feel like such a failure because i can't seem to make a change and keep at it.
So what is the answer? IS there an answer to this dilemma? Is this singular to me? God I wish I knew and had the courage, the wisdom, and the stamina to make the changes I need to make to be the woman I want to be.
I guess until I figure it all out I will have to keep the masks handy and pray that it doesn't crack from over use.
peace-
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